Every couple, at some times, have relationship strains. There is no getting away from that plain piece of truth. As we recognise that the 'perfect couple' doesn't exist, we can relax and then try and enhance/make better/repair our relationship with our own partner.

One key to a good relationship is what is known as "Active Listening". It is based on the premise that, "Communication is not over until both parties feel understood". Understood, is the key word here.

What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if "agreeing to disagree" is the end product.

How is this 'active listening' achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said - or what they have perceived the other to have said.

What is reflected back is the facts and feelings in what is being said. After these have been reflected back, the original speaker can then respond by 'tweaking' what has been reflected back to make sure that the original listener really has grasped the facts and feelings (or content and emotions) of what has been communicated.

It is worth remembering in all of this that the point of the exercise is not to get the listener necessarily agreeing with the speaker. Who knows if this will ever happen! The point of the exercise is to get the speaker to the place where they feel they have been understood correctly by the listener. Everyone knows what it feels like when we finally think that someone understands us!

Here's an example. Denise and Jim have disagreed about items in the laundry. Denise: "I'm so frustrated and angry that you just peel your socks off and put them in the laundry without unravelling them. I end up having to do it. I'm so cross as I keep on telling you and it seems to make absolutely no difference whatsoever."

Jim: "You're saying that you're really upset and angry with me for not unravelling my socks?" Denise: "That's right. And also that I then end up having to do it." Jim: "And that you get fed up because you then end up doing it if I don't." Denise: "Yes, that's right. I do it in the end."

As this example shows, the end result of active listening (which is the desired effect) is that Denise feels that she is understood. Jim may not think she is right (and may selfishly not even unravel his socks again) but at least Denise feels understood - that Jim has heard her and knows how she feels about the situation.

If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.

Note also the use of "I" messages (rather than "You" accusations) where Denise recognises and 'owns' that she feels angry, frustrated, cross and upset (regardless what Jim - or anybody else - has done to cause that). An "I" message is an acknowledgment that ultimately we have to be responsible for our own feelings and actions, regardless what anyone else has done to precipitate them.

If Denise had accused Jim with a "You" message such as, "You make me so flaming angry because you never unravel your socks," the chances are that Jim would have got defensive. Would any of us behave different when accused like this? Almost certainly the response would be aggressive and the argument would then escalate.

Does all of this stuff about 'active listening' and "I" messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using 'active listening' with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.

And if things go wrong and an argument breaks out? It is not too late to use 'active listening' and "I" messages after the event. When things have cooled down it is possible to recover ground, pick up the pieces and make amends. Better late than never - and it really will make a difference if your partner feels understood.

So enjoy. And practice. And practice again. And let some of the strain, anger and tension in your relationship diminish. And after you have used it with your partner, then practice on the kids, the boss, the mother-in-law, the next door neighbour - in fact anyone whom you'd like to improve communication with!