Have you ever regretted something that you've said or done? Of course you have, if you're like most of the rest of us. What caused that sense of remorse? Was it a sense of failure, or the fact that you may have caused someone else discomfort or even pain? Or was it a sense that you had somehow failed, or were less than perfect? All of these are fairly common feelings, and they are useful if we realize why we feel this way, acknowledge them and move forward in a positive manner.
The unfortunate, or fortunate thing is that we are all less than perfect; we all fall short of others expectations and even our own at times. We all do or say things that we later regret. It's one sign of our "human-ness". I had such an occasion during the recent holiday season. My son-in-law was preparing a food item, and he wasn't preparing it the way I would have, or the way I liked. I told him not to do it the way he was planning and he abandoned his efforts.
My first reaction was to mentally defend my actions, and justify them in my mind. As it turned out I had not just countermanded his plan, but embarrassed him in front of my daughter and my grandchildren. The full realization of this did not hit home until after they had left for home. The following weekend when we went to see them in their home I offered my sincere apologies, which he accepted quite graciously.
I know for a fact that earlier in my life I would have held on to my self-righteousness for quite a long time. I rarely apologized for things that I did because I felt justified in doing them. Our minds can actually help us out in holding on to such a mindset. We can replay the event over and over in our mind and reinforce our justifications so that we can claim some sort of superiority.
There are other factors that underlie those feelings of superiority, and desire to rationalize our "failures". One part of that is certainly our desire to be and to be seen as perfect, or at least less imperfect than we are. We want to be liked; we want to be "good"; we don't want to feel regret. It is very difficult to admit that we are less than we would like to be, or what we think others expect us to be.
One step in moving past this way of thinking is to acknowledge and accept that we have this "darker" side of our being. As humans we all have an incredibly complex makeup. We are a composite of all of the things that occurred in our past and that we have been taught over our lifetimes. We all have "good" and "evil" components that are mutually a part of who we are. We can no more deny our "dark" side than we can our "good" side.
We have to own all aspects of our being, not just the ones we like. That doesn't mean that we blithely go on our way, ignoring those things we don't like, but that we admit that they are there, work on changing them, and accept that we will sometimes fall short of the goal, while always having a sense of humility about ourselves.
One of the things that I think Jesus regularly tried to impart was this sense of humility that we should feel. He told us that we all have sinned; that we all have fallen short of the glory of God. Knowing this that we all fell short of the glory of God, He loved us anyway! He loves us warts and all.
If God can love us in this way, why can't we? I think we can. I have met some people that just seem to be so at peace and comfortable with themselves, and I think I know why. It's because they have accepted who they are, and they don't deny or contend with themselves over it. I have also noticed that these people seem to be more at peace with other people as well. Again, I think this is because they are not judging or forcing their expectations on others; they willingly accept others as they are.
I look forward to being such a person; I'm going to embrace my other side, work to enhance my "good" side and extend my acceptance to everyone I meet. When I fail, I will accept my shortcoming, get up; smile, and try again. I hope that you give it a try with me!
If you'd like to share any comments or thoughts with me write me at bmallette@gmail.com - Thanks.
