You Cannot Always Have It Your Way

All of us can use a refresher course in becoming better listeners, by
working peacefully to converse with one another. More often than not we are
preoccupied with our own concerns. This causes us not to listen well during
conversations and insist upon having our own way. By having such a
self-focus, we fail to notice the problems, concerns and needs of others.
The message we send out very forcefully is that we are not interested in
them. Communicating well insists that we respect our individual needs as
well as the needs of other persons. One man or woman is no more important
than the next. "To whom much is given, much is required."

So come alive and get over it - we cannot always have our own way. We must
bend a little if we want to enhance our persona. The art of compromising is
interlaced within us. No one is an island. At some point a man will give
and a man will take - like it or not. Compromise represents a means of
survival, not a loss of face or power. It's giving up something not as
essential, in order to receive a greater necessity in return.

Nevertheless, personal values and human needs are non-negotiable. So we
might as well learn to be a lot less selfish and a whole lot more
empathetic. We might as well become a better listener by becoming less
self-focused. People will like us more, trust us more and associate with us
more.

Being a Good, Active Listener Requires Practice

Listening is a verb. It's an action word. To do it well requires work; it
does not come naturally. It requires practice. Thus, becoming a good
listener means becoming an active listener even if we have heard the same
story line before. There is always the potential for learning something
new; hearing something we missed the last time. Unfortunately, we rarely
listen attentively. Instead we find ourselves thinking about something else
or planning a rebuttal to what we think we have just heard. We allow
distractions to cause our minds to drift away. It's time to embrace a real
commitment and positive attitude tailored to the person we are speaking
with.

Whether we're talking one-on-one, or engaged in a group discussion, it is of
utmost importance that we give our undivided attention to the speaker. When
the person talking has finished, we should be able to recite back in our own
words what we heard. This does not imply that we agree with what was said,
but that we are paying attention. It gives the speaker an opportunity to
provide additional explanations if we have not properly understood what was
said. At this point we can discuss our differences intelligently and devise
a plan to resolve them. Active listening is a wonderful habit to form. It
reduces misunderstandings and conflict.

Communicate Authentically - Don't Try to Fake It

Authentic communicators are people who project sincerity, a positive
self-image, and a willingness to hear all that their speakers have to say.
Because they've taken time to do self-assessments and understand themselves,
they have a realistic idea of how other people operate and why. They don't
try to fake who they are and run the risk of annoying their listeners. Being
authentic when communicating means being earnest and considerate - holding
positive regard for other people's time and opinions. Persons who speak
genuinely from the head and heart create good rapport, prompt good listening
and establish an atmosphere of trust. Listeners are dissuaded from sending
up protective barriers. It positions the speaker and the listener for having
productive conversations.

Traits of a Good Listener

Let us put forth diligent efforts to become good listeners. Let us
understand the benefits, train ourselves to be active, authentic (genuine),
reflective listeners to those with whom we speak - at home, in our
businesses, on our jobs, at the mall or in the park. Let us adopt the
attributes below and become good listeners for personal development, image
enhancement, and effective communications. They are the traits of a good
listener.

Maintains eye contact with the speaker
Radiates open-mindedness and confidence
Tunes out distractions and tunes in the speaker
Uses body language to acknowledge attentiveness
Respects the speaker's emotions and feelings
Is slow to react and take defensive action
Asks questions for clarification and interest
Suspends judgment and acknowledges what is being said
Listens to the whole message before formulating a response
Paraphrases what the speaker said; repeats it in his own words
Does not get hung up on the speaker's delivery style