Everyday questions like the ones above are neutral, that is to say theyare neither empowering or disempowering. And you'll probably realize as you check off your typical day's questions that most of them are automatic. You don't think about saying, how are you? to a friend or colleague, you just ask.

In our childhoods we asked really important questions like: Why is the sky blue? Can birds fly upside down? And as every mother knows, there comes a time when every conversation with her children is punctuated with Why? and Why not? Children are fascinated by the world around them, they use questions to explore their environments.

When we reach our teens, those years of finding out who we are become years of confusion and doubt. Our questions are no longer centred on our environments, they are centred on ourselves. We ask questions like: Why doesn't he like me? Why is she avoiding me? How am I supposed to …. They are questions which carry pain and
angst – and the answers often become internal messages to describe ourselves: He doesn't like me because I'm not pretty enough, because I'm not tall enough, because I'm too tall, because I have blues eyes, brown hair and a zillion other similar notions.
Those responses now trigger disempowering internally messages, the chief of which is: I'm not good enough for/because/to ….

As adults, our most disempowering questions invariably come through when our relationships are in some sort of trouble. That's when we start asking questions like: What have I done wrong? The problem with asking disempowering questions is that it evokes disempowering responses. Even "Nothing" is unsatisfactory. Our internal messaging systems kicks in to support those responses, especially if our partner or friend says something like: What's wrong with you? The thing is there's nothing wrong with you! It's just that the wrong question was asked.

Think about this concept for a few moments – Disempowering questions elicit disempowering responses. Disempowering responses can be avoided if THE RIGHT QUESTION IS ASKED.

So, what is the right question?

Let's assume you find yourself in a bit of a pickle in a relationship, be it at work, rest or play. Before you open your mouth to ask a disempowering question, ask yourself: What conditions allowed this situation? (instead of How did we get into this mess?)
Don't be surprised if this is the start of a mental Q&A journey! Instead of asking the other person: Why did you …? You'll find an answer will present itself. The question you ultimately ask may be something like: We're in a bit of a mess, aren't we? What can we do about it? No blame is apportioned in this way.

If you're in a spot of bother, and it's not relationship-based, empowering questions you can ask of yourself are:

* What conditions allowed this situation to happen?
* What can I learn from this experience?
* How have I benefited from this experience?

People who live empowered lives don't beat themselves up by asking unempowered questions. If things don't go as well as can be expected, or the outcome of any activity falls short of expectations, they ask questions like: What can I do differently next time? Empowered people recognize that not everything goes smoothly, 100% of the time, they accept the hiccups, explore what happened and resolve to do things differently in the future.

And that's another key concept …. being open to and wanting a change in the situation. Disempowering response: Why do things have to change?! My response to that is: Why not?

About the author: Barbara Rose is a mentor, coach, teacher and alternative therapist who specializes in helping people reach their potential at all levels (spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical). Please visit www.barbaras-library.com for a complete list of Barbara's articles and books. You can find out more about Barbara by going to www.barbara-rose.name.