Creating Reality

Got A Light?

2010-02-04T13:22:00.001-08:00

Do you smoke? If so, did you start in childhood or in your teens? As much as we know about how bad smoking is for us, there is still no notable non-smoking education aimed at our young. It is estimated that 30% of them are smoking.

If you started smoking young, you should know by now that there are many quitting programs. I recommend hypnosis, I have a contact if you need one, and an aid such as the ones on t.v. that help you step down on your nicotine addiction.

Do you want to live your longest, healthiest, best life that you can? Then stop inhaling smoke that is known to cause cancer. Our ancestors didn't know any better, so they had an excuse. We don't.

My son tells me that he knows a girl who's mother buys her cigarettes when she buys her own. This girl is fifteen. I can not respect that mother's choice. To inflict possible cancer on yourself is one thing, to inflict it upon your child is a crime in my book.

As recently as 1984, my high school had designated "smoking areas" where we students were allowed to smoke. My senior year they instituted that only students 16 and older could smoke, without a written note from their parents, which echoed the law passed here that you had to be 16 to buy cigarettes. That thinned out our smoking areas a bit, but there are always friends ready to give you a smoke, so that they don't have to do it alone.

I did smoke a little in middle school, I must admit. I had friends who did, and it was all to easy to take what was offered to fit in.

Honestly, I didn't like it, so I quit doing it. I didn't like the way it made my hair and fingers smell, and it made me cough afterwards. I will tell you something that I have found about it, though. The last time I smoked a cigarette, I was 13 years old. I have been exposed to second hand smoke of course since then. But, even now, nearly thirty years later, when I am feeling really str! esse d out, I crave a smoke! What does THAT tell you about the addiction power of nicotine?! But, I just note that craving, say how crazy that is to still crave a cig. after all these years, and move on to whatever I have to do next.

That's the number one thing that is needed to give up those cancer sticks. Will power is the thing that we need to stop lighting up. So, it's up to you. Do you want to be sucking on those rancid things forever, or would you just like to look back on that time in your life, and say, I can't believe that I wasted so much time, money, and health on something that I knew could kill me?

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Changes In Attitude

2010-01-25T16:28:00.001-08:00

My son is not doing well in college. This is surprising, since he was in advanced classes in high school. He told me the reason for his bad grades. He was just being lazy. He says that he'll do better next semester, and I hope that he does. If he doesn't pull the grades up next semester, he'll be on academic probation.

His school is known to be a "party-school", and there are alot of students who are very free with their time and money. The more serious students hang out in the activities building, where my son usually hangs out. The really studious ones pretty much stay in their dorms or in the libraries.

My son's chosen field requires extensive biology, which are the classes that he didn't pass. He is a natural counselor and friends are coming to him all of the time for advice. (Gets it from his mom.) I suggested to him that maybe he should change majors into counseling since he has a natural talent for it. You would have thought that I suggested that he cut off his left arm! The defensiveness, the trash-talking, wow! I had JUST made a suggestion, not a criticism or insult, but that's not how he took it. I just want him to be successful, and if his goal is out of his reach, I want him to have a fall-back. All parents who've gone to the college years know this feeling, right?

My son volunteers at our zoo every summer. He's cleaned up at parks and is a generally sweet, good guy.

He does undervalue money. The only job that he's ever had are working concession with me at soccer and baseball. He's 18 and still hasn't had a job. I can't afford to send him to college, nor can his father, so he's gone on grants and vocational rehab. assistance, which he's now lost due to his grades. He admits that he didn't try very hard to get a job the first semester that he was having alot of fun hanging out in the evening. He's told me now with a loan behind him that he didn't earn two ! credits for, that he'll look a little harder for a job.

Most of all, he wants me to mind my own business. That's not going to happen. Sorry, but I'm not like some parents I know who write their kids off at age 18 and then they're "on your own". He doesn't drive, so he asked me to take him to get his state I.D. while he was home, which I did. He asked me to buy him some items and food for when he went back, which I did. So, I don't feel that until he's 100% independant, that I shouldn't be involved, and even then, I will be. I won't be a bossy, critiquing mom like some I've met, but I felt this child in my womb, fed him from my body, been splattered by baby food, had formula thrown up down my back, cleaned diapers that the good Lord only knows how that much stuff, with such a bad smell came out of such a little person. I've been his advocate with teachers who didn't understand his disabilities, and some who just didn't care. I've done everything possible to make sure he got to play t-ball, baseball, soccer, do boy scouts, and yes, don't laugh, I was a den mother! I went to all of his plays, concerts, presentations, possible and got him signed up with Voc. Rehab. so that future professors and employers know about his disabilities, and won't discriminate against him for them. Then there was the above mentioned stuff while he was home on Winter break. So, I feel that mother bear stuff rise up when he's having problems that I don't feel like he's taking seriously enough, or giving too much weight to problems, usually other people's, that are concerning him.

So, I was giving him a lecture when I heard my father's voice coming from my mouth. So, I stopped. I thought all through the store about how he must be feeling, and how I was feeling, and what if anything more I should say to him.

I remembered in my child psychology and development workshop, one of the key points to problem solving was to ask the teen-ager if you could give them your opinion. Funny how that strange little act! of aski ng their permission opens up the dialogue between almost adult child and parent. It's like you've respected them, so they respect you by letting you give them some insight. So, when we got back in the car, that's what I did. He granted me permission to give my opinion, and I told him all that I felt about his situation, giving him my experiences and those of others' for anecdotal evidence.

Now, we all know that we all have to make our own mistakes to learn from them, and he says that he has. I hope that that's true. I really want him to have a good, firm philosophy of life. In high school, he was so self-assured and a leader not a follower and always did what he should, as far as I know. I know that transitions are hard. Hopefully, he has learned all of the lessons that he says he has this first semester, and he has friends and student support services to help him out, so hopefully he won't feel the need to keep any problems to himself now.

I know that at this age, it's important for him to discover the man that he is on his own. I just have to resist the urge to shine a little light on the situations that he's still in the dark on, without his permission. I've always known, if I respect my sons, they respect me. It's that simple. The Golden Rule, rules.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Trends In Development

2010-01-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

What happened to physical education? I remember having to endure those ugly gym suits and lugging my gym bag to school daily. I remember that it wasn't my favorite subject. I never could climb that rope! I definately wouldn't make it as a monkey! I did, however, love gymnastics! I could walk a balance beam effortlessly, and do a perfect landing from the uneven bars. I did enjoy square dancing, because my little boyfriend that year was my partner. Now, my kids have gym once a week, and it's usually basics, sit up, pull ups, or sports. I for one feel that they are missing out. There is a whole world of athletics out there that they are not exposed too. In 25% of U.S. schools P.E. has been cut due to budgets. The government has realized what this is doing to our waistlines and projects that they will give more money to get that number down to 50% in the next five years. That still leaves 50% of the kids with probably little to no physical activity. Mr. Kennedy would be appalled!

Kids were given a self esteem test at a local middle school and here are the results: 55% of the females wanted to lose weight; 29% of males also wanted to lose weight; 54% of females felt that they looked "fat", and 28% of males did, too; 33% of females were afraid to gain weight, while 13% of males were; 43% of females had dieted, while 20% of males had; 11% of females had fasted, while 6% of males had, (non-religious fasting); 6% of females had actually purged, (vomited), while 4% of males had; 38% of females exercised regularly, while 27% of males did; 4% of females had used diet pills, while 1% of males had; 2% of females had used diuretics, ( I did not even know what that was in middle school!), while .8% of males had; 2% of females had used laxatives, while .7% of males had; 7% of females reported binging, while 26% of males had! Still think that we don't have weight issues?!

This can lead to serious d! evelopme ntal issues! Our adolescents are on average at a weight that is 15 lb.s over their ideal. That number grows as we get older. 24% of us report ourselves as being overweight. I think that that's because some of us are lying, lol! I think that number is alot higher. I'm overweight. I got it the hard way. I kept about 20 lb.s after having each child, I was told that it would fall off after breastfeeding and when they were weaned. It didn't. I did those goofy little exercises they send home with you, but it stayed on. It's funny, my mother gave me her pregnancy book from the 1960's, and IT says that the average woman gains 20 lb.s, and 2 inches in her waist and hips with each child! I think that my figure must be from a 1960's mother! I knew a woman who had a baby, then was back in her size 0 jeans two weeks later! She only gained16 lb.s during her pregnancy. I think some people are just lucky that way! Then I gained 30 more lb.s with my disease, and the advice that I got from my western doctor, which was to sit in my recliner and enjoy the time that I had left with my sons. Now, my eastern doctor that I found, told me that I was not sentenced to an immediate death, but if I sat in my recliner all of the time, I would go all of the faster. She got me to start exercising again 1 min. a day, then up to 30. I lost that extra 30, but never have lost the original 60! My doctor calls it estrogen, and the fact that I can only do low impact exercises due to my bone disease.

If you feel that you or your kids are too heavy, what are you doing about it? Are you eating balanced meals? Don't diet, #1! That will not work, and will set you up for more self esteem flattening. Eat a balance of foods. I'm on a maintenance diet of: Breakfast-1serv. fruit, 1serv. dairy, 1 serv. bread; Lunch-1 serv. meat, 1 serv. veggie, 1serv. bread; Tea Snack-1 serv. dairy, 1 serv. bread; Supper-1 serv. meat, 1 serv. veggie,! 1 serv. dairy, 1 serv. bread; Dessert-1 serv. fruit, 1 serv. dairy, 1 serv. bread. Your doctor may disagree, but mine had picked this one out for my own personal needs, Your doctor would be more than happy to help you make your own meal plan! Are you getting enough exercise? Walking back and forth to the buffet, doesn' count! We should all get at least 30 min.s of exercise three times a week. I do stretching, yoga, tai chi, latin dance (easy), shadow boxing, 0 impact kicking, bow staff practice-no impact, and fencing-no impact. Things I grew up enjoying, but have modified them to my body's abilities. I'm walking around on 4 inoperable slipped disks now, when in 2004, I needed my wheelchair about halfway through Wal-mart. I use my wheelchair when we go to fairs or amusement parks to hold our bags of stuff, and once this summer, I did get tired enough to need it, but I had been at it for 6 hours! So, no matter what, we can make a difference in our battles with our bulges. It just takes consistancy and common sense. NO ONE needs 3 pieces of cheesecake, trust me! It's your reality and your body's health should be a concern. It is your temple after all.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Drowning

2009-11-18T14:54:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, it feels as if we are going under for the last time. Like we've been circling the drain, so to speak, and this is it. It usually never is, though, is it? Children have such fatalistic outlooks. If something that they really wanted, or wanted to happen, doesn't, then it's like the end of their little worlds. As adults we should be able to cope better. As adults, we should be able to swim in the tides of life, knowing that within us is the power to stay afloat, no matter what happens.

It can help to take the "dare" attitude, and dare yourself to make it through whatever tidal wave life sends at you. Be a survivor in your own life. Life can be rough. We may meet bullies out in life, just like we did in school. Of course, we have to stand up to them and take care of the situation. If there rises an impass, then you may have to let this person go from your life. No one should feel like they are being forced into a relationship with another person, workplace, or situation. There are always limits that we must observe to live in a society, but we shouldn't have to feel like someone else's slave. We just have to remember our self-esteem and remember that we are a capable person, or we wouldn't have gotten this far in life.

Some people turn to drugs or worse to get them through the rough times. This is just a sham. Unless a doctor has prescribed a drug for you, and if they have by all means take it, then self-medicating is only adding to your problems, not helping them go away. Drugs should not be a recreational tool to forget your daily grind. Prescribed drugs and alternative and complementary medicines or treatments have the goal of alleviating health issues, while taking a substance to "get high", is just an escape from reality and in the long run, isn't going to help you at all, but put you further into a cycle of substance abuse that can turn into "the end". Medicine is for health, drugs are for escape.

Sometimes people buy guns. I don't have a problem with guns, just a problem with why people buy them. A hunter buying a gun to put meat on the family table for the winter makes sense. A woman who has been sexually assaulted and lives alone, may want one for protection. That makes sense. A store owner who has been robbed may want one under the counter for protection of his life, and livlihood, that makes sense.

Buying a gun for the purpose of killing another person is just evil. I believe that people who buy guns to kill theirself is evil. I believe that they are being decieved by dark forces to think that their life is hopeless, and that the only way out of the percieved hopeless situation is to kill themselves. Nothing is ever as hopeless as all that. People have left ghettos and made themselves a better life, without killing anyone. People have stayed in ghettos and tried to make the neighborhood a better place, without killing anyone. And no person should be your life, that you must kill that other person if they reject you. If you are suffering, God may have a bigger plan for this than you can see. If you convince yourself that things are hopeless, then they will be.

Faith is our life raft. If we get in and hold on, we can't sink. Giving up is selfish. We are strong children of our Creator and we will never be handed more than we can take. We just have to believe that in order for it to be true. We all have the power to be survivors. We just have to be willing to exercise it. We will get knocked down many times. Do you remember that song by Chumba Wumba? "I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again" (and their never gonna keep me down!) ? I use that as a mantra sometimes when I feel like a situation is kicking me to the curb. Funny, I know, but it works if you believe it.

Living in a civilization means that we must be civil to others, but not kiss their, well you know what I mean. NOTHING is worth being abused for. If we escape with drugs, then we aren't working out our problems. We are adding more problems to our life. Turning to crime, like the father who took his toddler on an armed robbery, is not an answer either, but a temporary illegal fix to a bad situation, and once you take that road, more and more uncivilized behavior becomes acceptable to you, usually. If you think that your problems are bad now, a stint in prison isn't going to help them. I believe that we will have to answer for all of our actions in this life. Some people with real depression may not be able to see a way out of their problems, but most of us know, that bad times are temporary, and usually a learning experience. We just have to have faith, patience and be pro-active in our own lives to make our situation better. It's your reality. Don't add to any bad times in it by making hasty decisions.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Helping Education

2009-10-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

We all get frustrated when things go wrong in our lives. It's how we deal with these instances that are important. Setbacks should be an opportunity to learn something. They sometimes end up just being a chance to throw a fit.

We should look at disappointing circumstances as an opportunity to learn what we could have done better or different, or maybe we learned to not trust a certain person that we did to help us with something. Sometimes we can't control anything in a certain situation and have to learn that we can't control every little thing in the world and have to learn to just say, "Oh, well, I did my best, and I couldn't have done anything better or differently that would have made a difference in the outcome.", and just let it go.

Every now and then, things just don't turn out as we'd like them to. It happens to everyone. We all get disappointed now and then, and it's then that we should examine our expectations. Was it our expectations that led us to believe that something was going to be more grand or fun or fruitful than it actually turned out to be? If so, then we set ourselves up for disappointment. Our feelings of frustration are understandable as well as any of anger or disappointment. We are human and that is going to happen. We need to look at each upset and examine whether we are blowing it out of proportion, or maybe if we are diminishing it's importance only to have it come back to haunt us later. We need to learn to take things as they are, not how we want them to be.

Avoid comparing yourself to others. That's the fastest way to beat up on your self! Everyone has their own unique gifts and talents. We all do not share the same talents. If you compare your weak areas to the strong areas in another person, then you're going to feel inferior. That's how attacks on others start and how we talk ourselves out of developing our own talents, because we'd never be as good as so-and-so.

Some self-help gurus train their followers that life is a competition. That in order to come out on top we have to be ruthless and competitive and shove others out of our way to get what we want. I say, and so have alot of other spiritual leaders, that that is the 100% wrong way to go about life! We are all in this boat together. If we step on everyone on our way up, then we will be lonely at the top. We should look at life as a big cake.

Sure, we could hog it all ourselves, and feel fuller, and waste some of it when it gets stale, but wouldn't it be nicer to invite our fellows in to have a piece and share the goodness of it? I met a woman that I had to work with once, who was so competitive that no one wanted to turn their back on her, because they knew as soon as they did, there would be her knife sticking out of it. Maybe she was trained that it was o.k. to do that to get what she wanted. Alot of people do that. We all know people who know everything, even though we know that they don't.

By monopolizing conversations and trying to tell us things that we already know, or that we know more about than they do, so we know that they are wrong, while they think that they are coming off as superior, we can see through all the hot air and know that their superiority is masking their feelings of inferiority. I pity them because until they get enough help to feel secure in their selves, they feel that they have to attack us to feel good. 1 is a lonely number. In a competition in real life, no one wins because someone's going to get hurt and someone's wrong thinking and skewed views of the world may be reinforced if they do "win".

We should be educated as to who our teachers are. Why they believe what they believe. Was it from decades of study, or did a thing happen to them once, and now they base their whole teaching model on one experience? Hurt people teach hurting others. People who have found love for themselves, teach love for others. We should never follow someone blindly. We should research them and read enough of their "doctrine" to get a feel for where they're coming from. We should be concerned with how they fit into our beliefs. We should never change our core person to fit into someone else's mold. We should be our #1 teacher. We will need help in the beginning to find who we are, and what we want out of life, but when we have that knowledge, we can't be led astray so easily.

By educating ourselves on what our motives and expectations are, we can help avoid future disappointments and setting ourselves up for them. By knowing who we are and what we want, we won't compare ourselves to others and we won't feel the need to use others as stepping stones. By listening to our inner voice and the voice that is our guiding compass in this world, we won't be led astray by people who don't really have our best interests at heart, people who may be trying to recreate in your life what went out of control in theirs. By helping your own personal education, your journey will be smoother for us all. When you create your own reality, it also rubs up against others' realities remember. We are all in this together.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Transitions

2009-10-13T12:51:00.001-07:00

We all have to experience transitions in our lives. We move to new homes. We move to new schools. We have different things on different days that we have to do. School is a big one for some people. Milestones bring new things that we can do, and therefore new experiences to have. Our lives are full of transitions! Parents may make choices that cause transitions for us. We change roles as we grow, which leads to transitions. Children sometimes will need extra attention and help during a transition time. Successful transitioning can bring us self-confidence. New enviroments require negotiating the transition. No matter how many suggestions that you get on how to deal with a transition, it will ultimately be your voyage to navigate.

School is usually our first big transition. Events in our lives follow along after that like stones in a stream. Children are not secure enough usually to handle trasition well. Separation anxiety is common when they have to go away to school. Parents should be empathetic and let them talk as much as they want to about it. Other people are strange to us, until we get to know them, and can be a source of stress. Nursery school can be a good buffer to get kids ready for "big kid" school. New environments can be scary to us! As children we need our parents' help processing this. Finding support is important to us as adults as well. People with a good support system can handle the transitions in life better. Encouragement from a family member or friend can make all of the difference in whether we succeed or not in a transition.

Learning new skills opens us up to more transitions. In the school of life, we are constantly learning if we are open to it. We are all Earth's children. Our attitude has alot to do with our success at a transition point. We can choose to be open and learn from our experiences, or close ourselves up and be in a rut forever. During the day, most of us have scheduled time in which to do certain tasks. As parents, we know that our kids have a school schedule, too. Their attitudes about school determine their success, too. Learning is an opportunity that some people won't get. There are still pockets of civilization where not everyone has access to an education.

Transitions will happen, whether we want them to, or not. Our homes may change. Our schools may change. We have new things that we have to do. If we are open to these experiences, we can successfully negotiate transitions. Sometimes, we don't want a particular transition, and if it's within your power to stop something that you don't want to happen, to happen, then by all means do your best to guide your life into a different direction! Sometimes we have no choice in transitions in our life, and then we just need to accept things as they are and make the best of things. It's o.k. to feel a little sad, or lost during a transition, we all feel that sometimes.

If we trust in ourselves, and in our Higher Power, that we are being led into our best life, then we will be. We can keep our minds in the present moment and experience all of our thoughts and feelings during a transition and decide if we wish to still remain on this path. Ultimately, transitions are up to you. You can plug in and become a part of the new situation, you can decide that it's unacceptable and take steps to change it, or you can steer your lifeboat in a different direction in your lifestream while still being a part of the new situation in hopes that something better will come along for you. It's your life and it's your decision on what kind of reality you wish to create.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

amsc363@cs.com

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Prepare and Be Involved

2009-09-30T10:43:00.001-07:00

Being involved in things makes us feel confident. We should be careful not to go overboard with that though. I know news junkies that I have jokingly told them maybe news re-hab. would be a good idea!

We should, like the boyscout motto, always prepare. Making preparations for what we are going to do helps us be in control, as much as possible, of the situation and not feel at the mercy of the situation, as if it is in control of us. This is a good skill to practice with your children as well. Issues will always arise, but if we prepare ahead of time by "doing our homework" and working out the best way of doing things for the situation ahead of time, we won't be floored when our "plans" go awry.

With children we can involve them by asking them questions like, "should we take an umbrella in case it rains", or "we'll be there for awhile should we bring something to do and some snacks?". It's ideal if we have weeks to plan, but of course, that's not always possible. Just as we hopefully laid out our clothes for school, and had our homework in it's folder and ready to go for the next day, we should have our bases covered in every day planning and have contingency plans so that we don't get overwhelmed.

Some ambitious people forge ahead and take what comes their way, but they would have an easier time of it if they took the time to plan a little so that they would have an easier row to hoe for themselves and for others involved in the situation. Going with the flow can be counterproductive if the flow takes us where we don't want to go! Lewis and Clark made maps so the journey would be easier for the rest of us! As we age, we can think more logically and can come up with skills to investigate, inquire and make plans. If that route gets blocked we have to be flexible enough to curve around any obstructions in our way and move ahead to the end goal. The best laid plans of mice and men....

We can bring others into our planning stage to find out what works for everyone, rather than trying to take the reins ourself and making decisions that are inconsiderate to our friends involved. We don't always have weeks to plan, so being flexible helps. Planning makes some people jittery. They don't like having such responsibilities, especially if they weren't allowed to make any decisions on their own as they were growing up. We make daily routines to get more out of our day, and planning activities helps them go more smoothly, especially if we're prepared for any bumps in the road. Getting plenty of sleep helps us to be able to use our logical thinking abilities.

We can make decisions easier on a full night's sleep, too. We only have so much time, and we should use it wisely to get the most out of it. We can plan activities and enjoy them if we are prepared, rather than obsess over what isn't going right for us. It will make this easier on your children, too, if you teach them planning skills to use in their future.

If you plan your reality, it's easier to create it!

What do you want to do with your day?

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

amsc363@cs.com

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

School. Were You Ready?

2009-09-08T11:49:00.001-07:00

As a parent of three children myself, I can tell you that I was very concerned about my boys starting school! I understand it's the foundation for the rest of their education and then their career choice, but I was handing my babies over to some stranger for 6 hours a day! I of course may have had a little more anxiety and stress about this than the average person, but my fears were very real to me, and I had to do my best to assure my little darlings that it would all be o.k. and maybe even fun!

I remember being so excited about starting school! I couldn't wait to learn and grow up and move away on my own. My oldest son was not so excited. Honestly I think that he was in shock! He was shy and knew that he was different than some of the other kids and just plain scared. He got teased alot in elementary unfortunately for having ADD and physical disabilities that he had to have special seating and assistive technology for. This carried over into stress at home and sometimes taking that out on his little brother. School was a definate challenge for him. Now, he's in AP college classes and on his way to living his dream. I did my best to guide him and explain to him about miserable kids wanting to make him miserable, etc. He had a few good teachers who helped steer him back in the right direction when he started to stray into negative behaviors. Eventually, he became aware that his disabilities were not a label for who he is. He is a unique individual with his own style, he would have fit right in, in the 1970's; and he is in the situation that he wants to be in. He has found his strengths and is aware of where his weaknesses lie and tries to pay attention to them and keep up. If he gets into trouble he assesses the problem and decides where to go from there. He is not so shy anymore and has no problem talking to his peers and older adults in positions of authority.

How did this shy boy bloom so well? He was so slow to warm up to school and socializing. He grew with age, like the rest of us. He was always more apt to stay in and play video games rather than go out and play with friends. He was always a little cautious and mistrusting of others until he was about 13. Now he is conscientious and always careful to think of others. My second son has Asperger's and serious anxiety problems. He can not handle any unexpected situation. The emotional overload pours out like a tidal wave. We were handed a gloom and doom prognosis for him, but now he is one of the most popular guys in his school! He has worked hard to be emotionally there for others. I was shy because I was just plain old beaten down. I thought that I was as stupid, useless and worthless as I had been told and if I talked too much people would figure that out. I was told as much before family events, to not talk too much and say anything "weird". So, I chose to try and have my children enhance their abilities. To channel their talents and likes, and not worry so much about their percieved weaknesses. I have been told by others that they are very sensitive and caring young men.

How did I raise fruitful sons with my childhood such a minefield, and with an ex-husband whose mentall illness escalated to abuse towards us? #1. I was gentle. I tried to understand their point of view. I never forced them to do anything. I offered them insights and advice, and ultimately left social decisions to them.

#2. I had a schedule for them, and planned family activities that we took turns picking. I would let friends come over, and let them go to friends' houses to play. I gave their friends' the benefit of respect, until and unless they showed that they didn't deserve it. My youngest son had a friend whose mother was caught doing drugs so, he was no longer allowed to go over to that house! He also had friends who destroyed my stepping stones leading to my office, so they were no longer allowed in my back yard. My oldest had a friend who threw a rock at our window, so he was no longer allowed in my yard. My middle one just got caught sneaking friends in while I was out, so he will have to travel with me, or go to grandma's until he earns some trust back. They go to parks and school events and have no problems socializing now! I have a calendar for their events! We have a family vacation every year, that includes their father. They understanding is that even though we do not all live together, we are still a family. #3. I have always played with my kids! We had play time where I'd get down on the floor and role play things that I wanted to model for them. We joined boy scouts, YMCA swimming, t-ball, and soccer clubs. There was vacation Bible school and various events we took them to just for kids. I talked to them about their problems when they asked me. I answered their questions. We practiced "what would you do if's?" alot. The stores were a place to learn about economics for them and why they couldn't have everything that they wanted. We fed alot of neighborhood kids their afternoon snacks! #4. I always kept in communication with their schools. I helped them learn about my children and we always came up with ways to solve problems. I wrote several notes about maybe they should be moved away from so-and-so.

With an oldest one with impulsivity issues, a youngest with the energy of the sun, and my middle one as excitable as a chihuahua, I have never been not busy! I was prodded by some of the older teachers to medicate my oldest child. I understood why they wanted this, but I gave him every chance to do his best without medication until his impulses turned violent, then did medicate him under a psychiatrist's care and he was weaned from the medicine by high school. Their early years at school were as turbulent as the rest of ours. Once we learn the structure and rules, it gets easier. We have to learn to be patient, and how to share.

We can help our children. We can find outlets for them if they have frustrations. We can help them be enthused with their talents. We can find them places to expend all of that energy that we wish we had! We can set a specific homework time and make ourselves available to them if they need help. We can have game nights and activities that give them one on one attention. We can let them blow off steam, as long as they don't hurt anyone else. We can keep in touch with their teachers to know what's going on in the classroom. We can stress the importance of staying in control of one's self. We can help them stay active with tasks. We can teach them responsibility with chores, errands etc. We can allow them to volunteer their help even if it's not how we would do something. We can check their papers for mistakes. We can support them in the activities that they love.

I thought that I was ready for school, because I could sing my alphabet thanks to the record I played again and again. I was not ready for the emotional battering my open wounds took. I didn't participate in much for fear of being hurt more by cruel judgements and words. I was nine before I even had the courage to make a real friend. I was in seventh grade before I even went to a slumber party! Old compared to most of my peers. I lagged behind my peers in most things, which was good in some cases, but not in most. If you were abused in school, and I would be amazed if you weren't in some way, realize that that was then, and most kids either are mean because they feel bad about themselves, or they are trying to look cool for someone else or they have been bullied, so are bullying you. If we step back and look at these incidents in our past, we can let them go on the wind. They may have made a lasting impression on our psyche, but they are in the past, and therefore gone from existance. If we keep them alive in our minds, we just feed them more spiritual garbage and they grow in importance to only us. Do we let others define us, our do we define ourselves? Whose reality is it anyway? I've claimed mine, and suggest that if you have been holding on to such old garbage rhetoric from schoolmates, that you put that burden down, let it blow away like the dust that it is, and claim your reality for yourself.

Until next blog! I support www.nospank.net

Love, Angelia

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Phases

2009-08-13T12:02:00.000-07:00

As we grow and learn we come closer to being the person that we want to be. Our families give us a starting place to build on, or an example of what we don't want to build our lives upon. Our childhood shows us how to negotiate the world, and hopefully how to adapt and step out into our rightful place in it. We listen to stories and imagine what we would do in such situations, or imagine that we are that character and fantasize how we would handle different things. Family members, friends and teachers who tell us stories are helping us to use our imaginations and develop basic empathy, problem solving skills and just a plain desire to reach for the stars and be who we want to be.

In the United States reading has fallen behind other industrialized nations and some research believes that this is due in part to a lack of parents reading to their children. The numbers are back on the rise with school boards catching on and requiring 10 to 20 minutes of reading a night, students choice, as homework. But still about only 72% of parents are reading to their children. Studies have shown that especially three to five year olds can gain about seven I.Q. points per year by being read to and thinking about the situations in the stories, and finding out new words. This responsibility falls mainly on parents. Most intelligent, enlightened parents do read to their children. Especially toddlers need that mental stimulation to help them find new things to think about. They will be more imaginative and adaptive than their peers. Who doesn't love a good story?!

Students who go to nursery school have an edge over their peers, too. They learn the alphabet faster. They learn how to write their names sooner. They learn basic counting math. They also learn more eye-hand tasks such as building with different materials, basic measuring and balancing objects. They learn social skills that will be necessary in elementary school. The U.S. Bureau of the Census states that the number of children in some form of nursery school grows by nearly one million a year! This of course grows as the population does, but more and more parents realize that the benefits of socializing their children early on can carry over into their school and adult careers. Children report being happy for the most part and feel a sense of accomplishment when they complete tasks in nursery school.

Early childhood is just one phase in our development, but it is an important one. It's our start, our caterpillar stage where we need to feel safe, secure, loved and nurtured. We can grow and develop as we should if these needs get met. If they do not, we will probably have a hard time growing up. Then we will have to try and meet these needs for ourselves later on, with varying degrees of success. This is especially true of children with disabilities. These best outcomes happen with good, enriching, authoritative parenting. Toddlers can not care for themselves and they rely on their caregivers to expand their minds and skills. Preschool is one of the best ways. Children with disabilities such as ADHD, Autism and various brain disorders are more readily than previous decades, being welcomed into preschool settings. All children should be involved in some type of enrichment even if it is parent based with socialization at parks or play groups. The goal would be to have all children start out on an even plane.

If you were lost in the shuffle, and haven't found yourself yet, don't fret. You have learned something from your family. We know at least what we don't want in our lives. We know how to use our minds to escape our troubles. Whether it's movies, music or another distraction. We know what kind of life that we would like to have. If you never were read to, or don't like to read, overcome that and pick up a book! Read to your children. They deserve it. So did and do, you. If your parents were less than ideal, and no one's were perfect, indulge your inner child and curl up with a good book, maybe one that you always wanted to have as a kid, or maybe one to suit your tastes now. Teach your children proper book usage and care. Give yourself and your children the gift of imagination! You'll be surprised at how enthused they, and you become about reading once a regular time has been established, and becomes routine. Dive in!

If you had problems starting out in school, well, that's over! Not the best in English class? That's over, too. Penmanship suck? Mine, too! LOL! Terrible at math? I was until 9th grade! Not the most athletic or graceful, well so what?! If you couldn't get along with others, it was probably because you weren't getting along at home. We owe it to our children to keep them up with their peers. It will keep them competitive and competant like we all want to be. Haven't you discovered that you were able to do something well, and felt proud?

We only get one shot per lifetime. We never get a do-over on growing from toddler to child. If our needs weren't met by our caregivers, we will search out our own way of meeting them and until one becomes mindful of this and finds constructive ways of doing this, it can get pretty ugly! We need to forgive ourselves if we acted out to get our needs met. We just wanted what we felt that we needed. We may have been unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel. If we were pretty much ignored, we probably got to a point where we would make sure that we weren't going to be ignored anymore! We can visit our inner child and help them to heal feelings that we carry from early childhood of how people felt about us and how we felt about them and our life situation. Be gentle to yourself, you deserve to pass through that phase and come out with your needs met so that you can move on and explore the world. Make your children's early years good ones and memorable, too.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

www.worksofheart-angelia.blogspot.com

Knowing You've Got "Back-Up" and Hanging in There

2009-08-03T15:10:00.001-07:00

We all express ourselves in different ways. Some of us flow like water, while others of us are as reserved as stone. Some of us spout colorful metaphors while others of us speak only what is necessary. Our life flows in the way that we guide it. Like irrigating, we lay the path that our life flows in to a certain extent. Our attitudes and beliefs affect our whole being. If we want our flow to go a certain way, then we have to take steps that will lead it that way. Like the old saying, "the Lord helps those who help themselves". I believe that and I believe that each of us has a wonderful destiny that we are capable of achieving, if we just take the steps needed to get there. I believe that if you meet God/the Universe half way, that God will be there for you. You just have to have faith.

We can sit back and follow the current, as some people advise, and that IS good advice if you want to have less worry and anxiety in your life; but someone put to me, what if the flow takes me to a place that I don't want to go! A place that I find distasteful and just plain wrong for me? I said then, get back in your boat and paddle back out into the stream and follow the next current and see if it is the one that takes you to where you want to go. The river of life is vast and changes like a real one, sometimes choppy, sometimes smooth sailing. People always want the path of least resistance. That's not the way that anything is ever discovered though is it? Only by following each flow that brings knowledge and experience will we learn and grow and find ourselves and where we want to be in life. I'm not talking about sitting around being lazy, just taking what comes your way, although I know of people who have done this and are perfectly happy with their lives believing that God gives them what God wants them to have, so for them that's then true.

Some people are passive about what they do and feel that they are just watching their lives unfold, like a movie. I believe in a more directed flow. I believe that to successfully navigate the river of life, you have to be aware of where you want to go. You have to have the presence of mind to know where to steer to. You have to have the ability to decide what is for you, and what isn't. It takes energy. In return you will be given energy. When you know where you want to be, the flow will become more focused and lead you there. We are at the paddles after all. The water gives us life and is life. The boat is our body. The flow is our life. We can have great, grandios plans, but maybe that's not what we're here for. Maybe that great Energy that gave us life has other plans for us that our ambitions don't even measure up to. When we can learn to be ourselves and be still and think about what we want and who we are, then that energy will come along and help us to succeed at being ourselves. We can ride the flow of it with the knowledge that now that we know where we are going, the ride will be easier. If we resist it's plans for our own, we will just find frustration and it will keep leading us in whirlpool like circles until we learn what we need to.

The flow was planned before we came here to Earth, I believe. We have a genuine feel for it in the core of our being. We may not remember what was said before we came here, but our soul does. We have always been who we are. We may have gone different ways in times past, but we have always desired to be our best selves. We have always had an inkling of a destination in the back of our minds. Our essence may have changed during times, but we always come back to center if we stop and catch up with ourselves. We can find our goal if we actively seek it. The details matter less than the journey. It's the journey of discovery or rediscovery for most of us. If our plans don't match with who we are on the inside, they will never make us happy. Our process is to discover who we are and who we want to be. The flow of our life can only be successful once we have that rudder in our boat. The energy is our guide. We by ourselves would be nothing. It created us and it loves us.

The flow wants us to be our best selves. We just have to trust that and know that it "has our backs". The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry don't they? The route is the one that leads us home to our destination. No relationship with another person will be as important as the one we have with the Energy that created us. We sometimes set up destructive patterns for ourselves and lead ourselves in cycles of confusion. The flow is showing us that we haven't learned a lesson there that we need to to move on. It won't let us go forward until we are ready. Our river flows where it is destined to, but it is also the destiny that we have chosen for ourselves once we know our selves. It's an easy trip when you know where you're headed. Take a breath and push off into your river of life. Find your current and take it in the faith that even if you come to dead ends, you'll eventuall end up where you belong.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

Building Our Social Reality

2009-07-31T11:44:00.001-07:00

We know that our social reality depends in a great part on the culture that we are born into. When we are older, we then can form our own social theories. Our basic premises start out with the world that we experience around us though.

We develop in the social context that we are born into. Our parents and maybe siblings are our starting point in life. We then meet our relatives. Then maybe our parents friends, neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. We learn our first concepts and skills from our interactions with these people. Later on, our peers at school teach us things, then kids in the neighborhood, older kids, our friends' brothers and sisters, etc.

We just can't learn it all on our own. As we grow, we can do more things for ourselves, but when we're children, we need the guidance of an adult to be able to function optimally through our development. Children use adults as their "home base", a safe place, hopefully, to come back to when interaction with others becomes uncomfortable or too much. Our first interactions are directed by others, and then we internalize what we got out of the experience, to form our own social opinions of people, places and situations.

We get our starting values and strengths from our earliest social interactions. If our parents are social, then we will be too, unless something happens to change that. If they are very active in their culture, then we will be too, unless we adopt other cultural values. The things that we learn effect our values and strengths. The way that we develop effects these, too. The better teachers we have, the more we get out of our learning experience and can experience more and therefore have a wider range of options to choose from on "who" we want to be. Our social interactions in the formative years can be enhanced, or stunted by our teachers as well. As we find interests, we participate more willingly in certain activities, causing us to be social with like-minded peers. We then internalize the activity and the friends who also enjoy it, as something of "ours".

We may face criticism for our likes and dislikes. We may have weaknesses in other's eyes, whether they actually are weaknesses or not. We cannot measure the damage done by unaccepting, critical or mean-spirited family and friends. Rumors may hurt us, even when there is no basis in fact for them. Such activities put upon us by others, come from outside of us, and we have no control over them. They can stunt our social interactions.

If we have been hurt socially, we can change that. We can choose to not judge others by the yardstick of the "meanies" we grew up with. We can go to places and events where people who may be like-minded gather and find some new friends. If we feel that we are missing a part of our culture that our parents didn't participate in, we can go to cultural centers and events that people from that culture host and find new friends there that can teach us about that aspect of our heritage.

If we sit back and remember our history, we can rebuild our social reality. Remember our beginnings are just that, our starting point in life. If you had wonderful, perfect parents and siblings, then you know that you are blessed already. If not, then you can think back and decide if you can now decipher some of why they were the way that they were. Hindsight usually does bring 20/20 to situations. If all of your relatives love and accepted and were eager to teach you, then again you know how blessed you are! If not, then you can look back again at family dynamics and the like and decide why they acted towards you in the manner that they did. Anyone that your parents exposed you to, who did not have your best interests at heart, well, that is not your fault. As a child you have no control over situations that you are put into, and a child should not be expected to make adult decisions, because they are not yet capable of it!

As a child, if someone made you uncomfortable, you avoided them. Take a clue from your inner child there and don't let any breaking of spirit or social brainwashing put you in social situations that are not for you. If there is a place that you loved, but haven't been to in years, go back there and revisit it if you can. If not, you can use that place as a mental visual of your "safe place" for you to go to in times of stress. If your earliest social companions put you into situations that caused you pain, remember how that felt and the feelings that let you know something was wrong, and respect those feelings, and listen when they come up for you in the future and trust your inner child's intuition. If your values are the same as your parents', they will be pleased! If not, then they probably see it as some kind of lacking in you. If you can at all explain to them why your values are the ones for you and hopefully if you provide reasons and evidence, they will respect that.

Remember what your strengths were growing up, and incorporate them into your life now. They'll definately be a self-esteem booster. If we function fine socially, then that is great. If not, then maybe is IS time to step out of your comfort zone and make some new friends. At some point in your childhood, you knew "who" you wanted to be. If you aren't there, then make some changes to spread your wings and grow into that person. Remember, baby steps, unless you're ready for that leap of faith! Unfortunately, there will always be miserable people who want to drag us down to the depths of dispair with them. We just have to remember that WE choose our life and only YOU can make it what you want it to be. If you can find supportive soulfriends who will help you build your life, then hold onto them as long as they will let you! If not, then remember that you had the strength to be born and survive. You had the strength to navigate childhood and make it to your teens.

You had the strength to get through your teens alive. You had the strength to go out as an adult and try to make a life for yourself. NO ONE can take that away from you, once you have done it. If your social reality isn't what you would like it to be, then go out and make it what you want for yourself. Do it for that dear child that still lives in your soul, the one that looked up at the moon and stars at night in wonder and thought about what it was going to be like when they "grew up". It takes courage if you've been hurt socially, but I promise, if you can get through and find your soulfriends in this life, it will be SO worth it!

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

www.worksofheart.com

amsc363@cs.com

worksofheart-angelia.blogspot.com

Being Ourselves

2009-07-20T13:11:00.001-07:00

We all have a basic idea of who we are, hopefully. We go throughout our childhood, teen and young adult years picking up pieces of our world and putting them together to form the wonderful puzzle that is us. We pay attention to the things that attract us. We classify and make things our own. We remember the things that hit home and touch us personally and fit in with our personal mind set and values. We make the decision on how we feel about how we were raised and if that is how we want to raise our children. We form our opinions of the opposite sex based and the models we had growing up.

We go out into the world and other people reinforce, or disprove our learned experiences. We set our values. We hopefully, discover our strengths. We may become altruistic or we may become aggressive. We look at other people's environment and decide if we can take anything from it, or add our own insights to theirs.

We will face criticism. Whether it be constructive or negative we will hopefully be able to deal with it in a positive manner. We will discover our weaknesses and hopefully be accepting of them, or strong enough to work towards improving them. If we did not start out with a good childhood framework, this will be harder for us. We will have to do it on our own. We can imitate others, but when it all boils down, we need to find our own way. We will face many changes as we negotiate our life stages and we need to be compassionate with ourselves, and show ourselves the love that we deserve to bring peace into our lives.

We can think back to who we were at different stages of our life, using pictures is a good way, and put together the puzzle that is who we are, and therefore, who we are meant to or want to be. We have to know who we are to live our reality.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

amsc363@cs.com

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

How We Organize Our Lives

2009-07-17T18:55:00.001-07:00

We respond to our responsibilities in different ways. We try to organize our days, and lives, so that we can fit it all in in the way that we want to. We start doing this in toddlerhood. We have favorite shows that we don't want to miss, my eldest's was Barney, my middle's was Teletubbies, and my youngest's was Barney again! We will stop our "day" to catch these toddler faves, then move on with our "work" of play. Later on, we may hurry home from school, and get our homework done, so that we can go out and play with our friends. That will go on through our school career. Hopefully, we continue with that into our college years.

When we get into our grown-up years, our job will pretty much dictate our hours that we have left to organize. Some people never quite get the hang of organizing their time. Some people will organize what they consider the most important tasks first and then in category down to the ones they consider least important. Some people organize trickle-down style and put the biggest jobs first then moving down to the smallest jobs. Some people organize by type of activity, "work" first, creative then play. Some people go straight down a list of to-do's and realize they left out something and have to put that at the top for tomorrow. Some people do one thing a day then rest for the rest of the day. Some people organize every little minute of their day and fall into bed exhausted. (been there, done that!) Some people put off the big tasks until last hoping that they really don't get around to it. Some people just go haphazardly through their day with no real plan.

Classification is important to organizing. It may be difficult if you've never thought about it, but classifying what you want to get done in a day, can help you organize your time to get the maximum efficiency from it. Grouping your tasks as important or would be nice to do, can help you decide what needs to be done, and what can be set aside for free time or weekends.

Clearly there are things that need to be done every day. We need clean laundry to wear. We need clean dishes to eat off of, and so bugs don't eat off of them! The garbage needs to go out. If we pick up after ourselves, then clean up can be more effortless. Other tasks such as dusting and vacuuming can be done once or twice a week depending on your needs. Some things can go once a month, like dusting the walls and ceilings. We can have seasonal chores like blind cleaning and upholstery cleaning. Then maybe save carpet cleaning and fixture washing for once a year, again, also depending on your needs.

I hear the stories of how my great-grandmother cleaned her entire house from top to bottom every day and wonder how! I've gleaned little bits of how through the years, like #1, a wet rag was employed mostly, instead of all of the different cleaning products that we have today for every different thing we have! Also, knick-knacks were for well-to-do homes like my other side of the family, who had help to clean, so there was less to clean! There was no wall to wall carpeting to vacuum, just a rug to beat and floors to sweep. We've made our own lives so high-maintainence!

Once we get the things that we feel "have" to get done, and our opinions may differ on that, too, then we can engage in hobbies and recreation. I make jewelry. I love blown glass beads! We can set aside an hour a day to engage in hobbies, and switch from day to day which ones we do if we have several, or rotate them if we have many!

It's important to have some time for yourself each day. Your mental and physical health will thank you for it! Our priorities change as we grow and age and we should be flexible with ourselves and allow for that. No one can do all that they would like to do, in a day. We have a certain number of hours each day to work with, and that's it! No do-overs. The pick-up can be post-poned for a quick game of checkers with your child if they ask, or you can set aside a time for that, so that they know when they can expect that game of checkers to take place.

You can schedule a different activity each evening, so that your family life or personal life is enriched. How to choose activities? You should go with what you like, of course! If you're a parent, make sure each child gets to pencil in some time for things that they like. Otherwise, it'll be one long family-time if you're the only one having fun. Grown-ups should schedule a date-night where grandparents, or other trusted baby-sitters take over for one night a week so the grown-ups can go out and have some adult fun! A family night can be scheduled to bring everyone to the table and give everyone a chance to talk together.

Sometimes there are special needs to consider, and of course, that has to come into the planning as well, which may leave some disappointed, in which case, clear explanation should be given to the others and a plea for compassion and understanding if need be. The older children can help look out for younger ones on outings to make sure all your ducks are in a row, so to speak. Parents should always try to be a united, equal authority, so children don't start to try and play one against the other, or go behind one to the other to get what they want, which they will. Even if parents are very different, parenting needs to be consistant, which can be difficult. In some traditional male dominant families, the father has the only say and all must go with his flow. The style that fits the child best will be the one that they take notice of and try to emulate later.

So, you must decide what's important to you to do with your 24 hours each day. I choose to sleep 8 of it. I get my boys off to school in the mornings, then I can get breakfast, work out, shower and dress, work from 11-4, have tea with the boys, take care of household business, help with homework, clean, have dinner, have hobby time and family time. I have daily chores, then those I do once a week, month, year.... I have enough hobbies to have a different one going on each day of the week, if I add more, I'll rotate them. I have more business activities than I can do in a day, so I prioritize and rotate those. We have a different activity for family hour each night, currently it's: eating out Mon.

Dance Party Tues. Movie Night Wed. Playground or Rain-out Game Night Thurs. We have a transition dinner Fri. evening with their father where we talk about all that's gone on with the boys throughout the week, before they go off to his house for the weekend. Their father and I both attend events of theirs and we sometimes travel together and share expenses. I've been deemed the responsible parent by the court, so I get them Sunday eve. to Friday eve. and their father has them for the weekend, even though I go to their weekend activites such as soccer games.

So, rather than feel unfulfilled, or overwhelmed, I've chosen to schedule, which works for us. Some people just have to prioritize for their sanity, and that's o.k. I let the boys play games before homework time, because I use that block of time to take care of household business while they're playing. Some people couldn't stand putting off that homework for even an hour!

Some people insist on dinner at 6. 8 works for me, because we do have tea and snack at 4 when we're all at home and at 6, no one's hungry yet! So, feel out your inner compass and clock and decide what's important, and what makes sense, to you. Then you can organize and prioritize according to what you want, rather than pull some list out of a magazine, and beat yourself up because you just can't make that day happen for you! Remember, it's YOUR reality, not your parents', friend's, neighbor's or anyone else's. It has to work for you!

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia

amsc363@cs.com

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Changes

2009-07-03T10:59:00.001-07:00

Changes have been a comin'! I am sorry that I have been so busy, but in the past month I have had two sons graduate and one progress. One from high school and one from middle school. The other one goes to fourth grade next year. We had college orientation and graduation parties at both sides of the families' and with friends. We went on vacation. Then I had to close down my office at the Germantown Healing House. Now I am working on my office in my garage.

Changes kind of hit us hard sometimes. My curly headed baby is now turning eighteen and leaving home for the first time. How did that happen?! Where did the time go, and how did it go so fast?! My platinum haired baby is working this summer for the first time and has his own money for his music and pizza. My littlest is chest high to me and growing up too fast!

My oldest is daunted at the prospect of having to regulate his own study time and be living so far away from his familiar room and routines. His life has BIG changes in store this next year.

My middle son is so excited about high school that he can't wait, but he'll find out that there'll be changes that he didn't expect and it won't all be the fun and games that he is thinking that it will be. It will be probably the funnest time in his life, so I've told him to enjoy it and not take being young and free for granted.

My little one is bummed out that he doesn't get to go to a new school, too, but he does have some new technology, a reader, this year, that will help him do better and we hope that his confidence will grow when his 102 I.Q. verbally matches what he can do on paper. (He's disgraphic.)

On both sides of the families I have heard how time flies and things change so many times this past month!

The young high-schoolers that are my son's friends now seem a little anxious rather than excited about graduation, now that it's come and gone.

Things do that. Things come into our life and then move on, don't they? All things are transient.

The heartache that I felt closing down my first "permanent" out of home office I can't even describe. I painted those walls and put up that decor and moved in that furniture and organized everything for max. efficiency, but then, I had to tear it all down. There was nothing that I could do about it in the end but accept it, do it, then go on with my plans for the future. My home office is in the works, and maybe I can grow it enough to make it similar to what we had at the Healing House. Maybe we'll get enough clients that we can afford an even bigger space and grow exponentially. I don't know.

That's the scary thing about changes, isn't it? We don't know what's going to happen. We have to trust the Universe that it has our greater good in mind for us and that if we have faith, ride the flow and are peaceful, loving, compassionate people that good things will come our way. The world would love to pollute us with it's toxic negative, competitive, rat race and turn us into the naysayers and fearful that never reach out of their comfort zones and never do a thing for themselves or for anyone else that's not convenient. We just have to have faith. We make the life that we want. If we let life make us, then we turn out very sadly indeed!

Hang in there when changes come your way. The change may be what brings you a step closer to your goals, or it may be a learning experience that we need at that point in our lives. We don't know, and we don't get to know until hind sight brings us around to 20/20. We just have to keep talking our talk and walking our walk, that way things change around us, but they can't change us.

Until next blog.

Love, Angelia

amsc363@cs.com

www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

How Your Socialization Effects Relationships

2009-06-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

We have all met people who are so well adjusted that we have to wonder if they really are, or they're just projecting a learned ease to the rest of us. Then, we have all met people who are so awkward or hostile socially that like in the movies, we want to spout the old cliche, "who hurt you?!" to them.

Those feelings start out in childhood. If we feel loved and accepted for who we are, then we are secure and happy with who we are. If we are scolded and critized for who we are, then we feel that we are unworthy of love and acceptance which leads to insecurity and unhappiness.

Different childcare histories are a fairly reliable predictor of future security and attachment in relationships. Here are some issues that we all face in the world and what the best choices are for children who have the best outcomes in these areas.

Compliance with authority figures and rules:

The lowest scores here comes from children who were in low-quality child care situations starting at younger than 12 months of age.
The best scores here come from children who entered high-quality child care as an older child of at least 3 years of age.

Self-regulation of behaviors and emotional responses:

The lowest scores here come from children who were in low-quality child care situations starting at younger than 12 months of age.
The best scores here come from children who entered high-quality child care as an older child of at least 3 years of age.

Difficulty with peers:

The highest scores here, meaning the highest amount of difficulties with peers, came from children who entered low-quality childcare before the age of 12 months.
The lowest scores here, meaning the least amount of difficulties with peers, came from children who entered high quality childcare as an older child of at least 3 years of age.

Distractibility:

The most distractible children entered high quality child care as an older child of at least 3 years of age.
The least distractible children entered high quality child care when less than 12 months of age.

Task orientation:

The least task oriented children entered low-quality child care when less than 12 months of age.
The most task oriented children entered high-quality child care when less than 12 months of age.

Being considerate of others needs and emotions:

The least considerate children entered low-quality child care when less than 12 months of age.
The most considerate children entered high-quality child care when an older child of at least 3 years of age.

Hostility levels:

The most hostile children entered low-quality child care when less than 12 months of age.
The least hostile children entered high-quality child care when an older child of at least 3 years of age.

The study was done in 2002 and took in to consideration enrichment, one on one time with the children, activities available, class or room size, division by ages with appropriate toys/activities, emotional support of children, and appropriate discipline. In-home and day care centers were both studied. These behaviors were observed and children were questioned as well as adult care givers to obtain scores in a positive or negative 1-4 ratio.

So, overall we see that indeed, you do get out of a child what you put into them. That's why it is SO important to put love, peace and compassion into our children so that that seed we sow, will be what our future societies will reap. No matter what age you have to put, or decide to put your children into another's care, you can moniter that and even do "damage control" if need be. The parental relationship is THE most important one of all that predicts the child's behavior.

If your caregiving reality was not a good one, you can go back and examine that and heal those points with your inner child so that the person who is taking care of them now, you, is the loving, caring, accepting caregiver that you deserve. It's only too late when you can no longer think. Then, you can be the loving, caring and accepting parent to your own children that they deserve.

Your reality really is what you make it.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Working Out Our Differences

2009-05-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we feel discouraged when others bicker with us or resist our suggestions to them. How can we get others to cooperate with us and how can we resolve conflict?

If we want people to stop fighting with us, we must teach them the skills for dealing with us. That's right, read it again if you want, but that's what it says. If people are having problems with us, it's usually a two-way street. You can ask them why they are having this reaction to you, but that doesn't always mean that you'll get a truthful answer, or one at all. Asking them why they feel so strongly that you are wrong, or why they seem to dislike you, opens up the lines of communication so that differences can be worked out. Others don't know your life story so they may have a different take on your personality than what the/your reality is. If the other person is willing, you can work out where the percieved issue lies and iron out the wrinkles in their feelings about you. If the other person just thinks that you are wrong and they are right, you may not be able to get anywhere with them. Some people are just determined to get what they want come heck or high water. It is more socially acceptable and enlightened to try and figure out why you have a problem with so-and-so, and then for the two of you to talk and try to iron it out. Granted, sometimes people are just so different, that they will never see eye to eye. You may have to just walk away sometimes. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and feelings. We should be accountable for our actions, though. Hurting someone else physically, mentally or emotionally is never o.k.

When we practice talking our differences over with others we will be able to think of more ways that we can compromise or get what we want in an acceptable manner. If we use our intellect to work on social problems we will expand it and become more socially adept at handling disagreements with others.

Think of these problem solving skills when disagreements arise:

*Get the facts straight first, then work on the feelings
Ask the other person why they think that there's a problem; ask calmly and nonjudgementally, people will usually calm down and answer you.
Then focus on the feelings. People see things from their own perspective. They may not realize how their actions are effecting others. Reflect to them your feelings such as, "How would you feel if I said/did that to you?" Try to find a solution that is fair to everyone involved. You should make your feelings known if others hurt them, not just sit on them and let them fester into a bigger problem.
*Help others see that your shared goal, ie., relationship, workplace, project, is the important thing that you share.
When you outline what your shared goal is, it's easier to work on solutions seeing that you are both in the same boat. Help bring problems down to size by discussing what both of you would like to accomplish in this shared goal. It's a big world, with room for everyone and some people just have to realize that everyone doesn't share their opinions and they need to make room for others'. Everyone's needs, feelings and opinions are important. That's how we grow and learn.
*Come up with alternatives to an impass.
Stay focused on what the underlying problem is and how it could best be solved. Make an outline or list that could help. Discuss it until you can come up with no other ideas. Do not force your ideas onto others, their's have merit, too. If you can both get this far, discuss your mentors/heroes, and how you think that they would handle this situation.
*Evaluate the consequences of action and/or inaction.
After you have brainstormed, think of what the consequences to your actions may be. Inaction on a sore point in a relationship may lead to the end of that relationship. Continued harmful actions in the workplace may lead to one or both of you losing your job. Persecution of another to make yourself feel better may make that person walk away from a project where they really were the best person for the job. Always take other's feelings into consideration before you speak. I'm reminded of the addage: before you speak, ask yourself, is it true? Is it necessary? Does it improve upon the silence? Do not judge other's ideas. People have their own thinking processes which may not always match your own. You can however, tell another person why, to you, their suggestion is unacceptable. They may have not been able to see your point of view, from their's.
*Ask for a closed decision.
The disagreers should come up with a plan of resolution. Agree on and restate the underlying problem. Summarize your ideas on how to resolve it. Decide on what to do next. If it doesn't work out, go back to the drawing board.

Problem-solving is often tedious work. It's easier to just put your foot down and tell others what to do, especially if you're in a "boss" type position. However, that just limits everyone's experience, the possible group gains from a project, or a feeling that everyone is contributing of themselves for the common goal. We can do it if we cool down and show a little love and compassion for our fellow passengers in our life boat.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

How We Feel About Ourselves

2009-05-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

How we feel about ourselves can help shape our reality. If we are proud of ourselves and feel that we are doing well and having a good life, then we probably are. If we are ashamed of ourselves and feel like we aren't successful and we are a big disappointment to ourselves and everyone else around us, well, then we are.

Some people go through life functioning on auto-pilot because they are just doing what they think that they are supposed to be doing. They perform their daily tasks with all the passion of any automaton.

Some people make their own lives difficult with their thrill for drama.

Some people can't express themselves to others. Some people express themselves constantly.

Some people put conditions on their relationships with others.

Some people enjoy being mean.

For some people it's a popularity contest and it's the number of people they have around them that counts, not the depth of the friendship.

We are all children of God. We should be proud of that. He thought enough of us to let us be born into this world, so you must have some redeeming qualities. We should not be ashamed of our supposed short-comings. We should examine them and find out where they come from, and learn from them and even fix them if we can.

We all have our own personal code and we all know when we break it. If that's not the case, then I suggest that you go get some professional help if you've never felt guilt, shame, or sorry for anything that you've done.

The task for us all is to be our best selves. To keep learning and growing to be the best you that you can be. It's a life-long pursuit that's not even probably attainable in this life. Remember, it's the journey, not the destination.

Put away your shame for past deeds. Make repairations if you can, if you can't let it go in the wind. Learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.

Take pride in the fact that you are here for a reason. Do your best to be yourself everyday. Your best self. The one that you know that you can be, and the one that with growth in habit and perserverance you would be proud to see in the mirror everyday. You CAN do it, if you just DO it.

How we feel about ourselves reflects outward into the world and others can pick up on that and that may be how they come to feel about us.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Riding the Flow

2009-05-04T13:19:00.000-07:00

Stuff happens!

Sometimes we aren't happy about that. Sometimes we get happy little surprises from the universe.

I'm going to throw myself up out here as an example for you all. Guess what? The business that I have been sharing space in, it's closing down! The owner is young and with the current recession the money is too tight for comfort for her, and what I'm bringing in and our yoga instructor and artists, we're just scraping by, so our owner wants to quit while she's ahead and not end up with a failed business to her credentials.

None of us there are happy about this, but you know what? We will all be o.k.. There are many other healing places in this city, and some of us have even worked from home before, like me, and could do it again to a certain extent, and there are spaces in churches that we know of that would allow us to have workshops and support groups etc.

So, yea, we could get ticked off at her and say, "hey, what about the rest of us?! You promised us a permanent place here, we cut ties to other places, and now you do this because you're scared that we may not make it, so you're closing us down?!" We could do that. BUT none of us did. Ultimately, as the owner, it was her decision. I gave her the counsel that she asked for, and even though it wasn't in my best interests, it's in hers. She's been too stressed and is wearing herself thin with worry and work and she's getting sick. To keep her word to us and hurt herself, that's not in her best interests or ours if she becomes too sick to be functional!

So, we're just gonna have to ride the flow. If we fight the flow, we could drown. It's like the whole if life gives you lemons... thing.

Things happen to us that inconvenience us, endanger our lifestyle, confuse us and force us to re-examine and change. We might not like it, but oh, well. If we trust that the higher power knows what IT's doing, then we can ride the flow of our lives with a trust that we can always pick up our paddle and pick a different way if we are carried down a tributary that leads to a dead end.

Remember, it's not the destination in life that matters, it's the journey.

I for one am optimistically curious about what my journey's next leg will be.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

The Facts of Life

2009-05-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

How to deal with others?

Do you trust people to do the right thing, or are you always watching and waiting for them to slip up so that you can say, "AHA!" and then punish them for letting you down?

What you ask of others, is it reasonable or have you sent them on a quest for the Holy Grail, that they can't possibly accomplish for you?

Do you let people know that you are disappointed in their "failures" in a calm and nice manner, or do you break out the verbal paddle and let them have it?! Have you called anyone a name that you wouldn't want to be called? Have you yelled at anyone? Have you disrespected anyone? Of course you have. We all have. It's time to stop that now, though, if you want to be effective in your communication with others.

Do you expect others' to just know what you want or need without telling them? That's a recipe for failure. Most of our ESP is on the fritz. You have to be clear about what you mean before people can understand you, of course, they have to actually be listening to hear you.

We all know people who are "steamrollers" and just run roughshod over everyone else to get their needs met. It's o.k. to be firm and specific about your needs, but it's not o.k. to get them met to the detriment of others.

If we want others to treat us with respect, we must show them the way. "Do as I say, not as I do" won't work. Relationships don't work without respect between the partners. Are you willing to negotiate in a relationship for compromise or common ground? Can you be flexible and include others' interests in your plans, or does it all have to be your way or the highway? You will not be able to socialize happily until you can treat others with the respect that you want for yourself. If you can't bring yourself to do this, be prepared to be lonely. It won't take long for everyone to cut you out of their life. No one likes to be treated like a second class citizen in their own life.

If we treat others as vehicles to accomplish our means then we are "users". People won't put up with that for long. Once someone feels used by you, it will be a long time, if ever, before they will trust you again. You will almost have to turn over a new leaf and show only emphatic, positive behavior before anyone will believe that you care about them at all.

We should all follow the golden rule and be fair in all of our dealings with others. Appropriate behavior should always be used when we deal with others. Each situation we experience with others will call for different tact, social norms, expectations, rules, compassion and emotional response. It is up to us to be there and present and on the ball for them and for ourselves.

I offer a parenting workshop and coaching so that parents can learn how to instill these behavior traits in their children, and maybe go back and tweak their own relationships with others. If you are an effective parent, you can give your children the wonderful gift of being in a crowded room and feeling 100% secure in who they are.

I have heard that you get out of your children what you put into them, and that is mostly true. Of course, there are always exceptions and some people may have more organic problems that lead to antisocial behaviors. Sometimes a quick visit to a psychiatrist can ease the anxiety that so many people feel around others. Adolescence is the only time that we should be expected to be a social wreck. I forget the exact hormonal numbers on the subject, but in the transition from child to adult we can be literally driven crazy by our hormones. Women in pregnancy and menopause as we know can also be, well, hormonal. The numbers on the male-menopause theory haven't been satisfactory for most scientists, but there is a drop in testosterone that can cause some men problems. Sometimes we need help to figure out why we just can't seem to function socially. A therapist or coach is a good place to start.

We are meant to be social creatures. It is how man has survived, next to our intellect, without fangs, claws and horns. There is strength in numbers and if we want to be our strongest, we need other people to help us and to help. It's that simple.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
gtown.healinghouse@gmail.com

Who Did "They" Want You To Be?

2009-04-20T10:27:00.001-07:00

Your parents may have had big plans for you. Did you let them down? How did they respond to your failure? All children need rules and expectations laid out, so that they know what behavior is expected of them. Did you know "the rules" up front, or did you learn them fast enough because punishment came swiftly, maybe even severely, after the offending behavior? Was there consistancy, or were you unsure from day to day what was acceptable and what wasn't? Did your parents explain themselves to you at all or was the dreaded, "because I said so!" a staple in your caretakers' arsenal in controlling you?

I personally think that all parents should have to take parenting classes before the blessed event, because unfortunately, there is still way too much ignorance and abuse in child rearing in the world today. Discipline is teaching your child the way to go, not punishing them if they stray. Clearly defined rules let a child know what is and is not expected from them. It gives them a sense of right and wrong.

Broken rules carry consequences. As a child there was punishment. As an adult there could be jail time. We all need a firm foundation to build our own reality on. It's so much easier to get that from our parents than to go back and build it for ourselves. In society we are rewarded for "good" and responsible behaviors. We are punished for "bad" and irresponsible behaviors, and that is as it should be if we are to live in a civillization. If punishment is predictable and consistant, we learn that a certain type of behavior will elicit it, and how we can avoid the punishment if we aren't just vying for the attention. Unfortunately for the mainstream, the psychological and developmental facts are that praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning, not punishment.

We learn from our experiences. Having logical consequences for "misbehavior" helps us learn that we are accountable for our actions, without damaging our self-esteem. The easiest way to stop an argument is to just walk away. Refuse to participate. If you actually KNOW something, and someone wants to argue, just walk away. What sense is there in arguing, if you know that you are right? If you make a mess of your life, you'll have to clean it up. No one else can do it for you. Counselors etc., can help, but ultimately, it's up to you to learn what's not working for you, or is doing you harm, and clean up your own life. If you party all night, then can't function the next day, isn't that going to hurt your chances of being taken seriously as a responsible person who can be trusted? I don't mean that you should punish yourself by taking away something that you enjoy, but moderation is the key in all of life. If you really love doing something, set aside a time for that special something and do it! Enjoying life is what we all strive for, and self-denial is the fastest way to start to abhor your life. Set a time for leisure activities and for friends.

Everyone's level of tolerance for negative feedback is different. If you got a sense of purpose and pride from the military, you may have been "broken down" when you came in to basic training, only to be "built up" later on to function as a valuable member of a unit. You may therefore, have a high tolerance for negative feedback. Not everyone is as resiliant, and people need to be aware of this. I have heard of the "poet's soul" where someone can't stand ANY negative feedback, and it just destroys their sense of self esteem. Those rebels without a cause that we women like to try and "fix", but we really can't. Only they can do that for themselves. If we are to be effective in our own lives, we need to be as well-adjusted as we possibly can be. If you need help with that, go get it! We need to be self-reliant. We all know of "bums" who rely on handouts from others to get by. Taking care of ourselves gives us self esteem and a sense of purpose other than aimless wandering through life. We need to exercise self-control. If we go off in a rage every time someone disagrees with us, soon no one will want to talk to you. We need to actively learn about who we are and who we want to be. If you were punished unfairly growing up, you may be punishing yourself now. Stop! If you have been running for the longest time to escape someone's control, stop. Look around. Do you need to still be running, or can you safely stop now and build your own life? The one that you picked out for yourself when you were growing up. The one you know that was meant for you, and that will make you happy because you will be who you are meant to be, and not a paper doll that someone else wanted to dress a certain way. If no one cared what you did, then maybe you need to start caring what you do to yourself. All of our needs are important. If you are punishing yourself for being a "failure", whose failure is it? Did you fail your parents because you can't be who they want you to be, or are you failing yourself because you won't be who you want to be? If you could raise your own inner child, more than likely, you would set clear rules and explain why these rules are important. You would reason with them and consider their point of view. You don't have to agree with the way that you were raised, but you can go back and "raise" yourself, up out of the canyon that you may feel that you have been shoved into, and love yourself enough to bring yourself up at, no matter what ripe old age you are, and give yourself the "upbringing" that you deserved. You can visualize this in a meditation. You can heal your inner wounds and get up and start living the life that you want and claim what is yours in the world.

Honestly, it really doesn't matter who "they" wanted you to be. It's who you are that matters.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
gtown.healinghouse@gmail.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Making Our Marks

2009-04-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

     One of our first desires is to be able to write our names. It gives us the ability to mark things as ours.

     Everyone likes to mark their own turf. Some of us are more vehement about this than others.

     We love to imagine all of the things that could be ours. Would all of these things really be beneficial in your life? Could they harm you if they aren't something that you are mentally and emotionally ready for?

     Do you have actual plans for your future or are you just winging it and using the "good enough" approach? Are you just going in circles and wondering why you haven't gained any ground?

     Do you respect other's boundaries, or is yours the most important life line that crosses into every one else's for your own selfish needs? Do you make a mess out of your life and leave it for everyone else in your life to figure out? Can you even see another's point of view?

     Do you throw up lines and dare others not to cross them? If they did, would you give them a second chance, or just carry out whatever threat you devised?

     Do you lock others out of your circle so that you can feel safe? Are you noticing any patterns like this emerging in your life?

     To have a relationship with others, it takes two people.

     It takes a group of people to accomplish anything in the long run. Even if you are creative, it takes others to publish, advertise and sell your works, not counting the people who are buying your works. You can't accomplish anything without other people. Family is a good place to start practicing including people in to your life.

     If you are the most bright and brilliant person in the world, what good is that if no one knows it! You can be a bright and brilliant face, shining like the sun, onto others to help them with their day.

     Then there's the opposite sex. If you are not open and giving with yourself, you will soon be alone again. Everyone wants an open, loving, giving and caring relationship that can be held up to the light. To have a relationship that is closed, apathetic, cheap and you feel like the other person could care less if you dropped dead, can be the beginning of the end. Many abused people live in the darkness of such a relationship because they feel like they have to. You don't! Get out!

     Would you like to be living in a mansion, but a shack is your current situation? How did the person who's mansion you admire, get theirs? Could you take steps to make that kind of a life for yourself? Will you? If you don't make the effort to make your house a home, a shack may be all that you'll ever see. Home is not the building you live in, but the feeling in your heart that makes you feel like, "this is mine", "I belong here". I have seen some lovely cottages that any queen would find beautiful no matter how small or old they were.

     When we pay attention to the details in other's lives, they will notice and take the time to notice our lives. Don't think about what baggage the other one is dragging behind them, just notice them here and now. If your own arms are full of baggage, then you can't help them with theirs. We each have to walk our own journey through this life, but we can have companions on the way. Sometimes we can carry one another, or hold one another, but we can't walk their journey for them.

     Do you want that hot sport car instead of your little economy clunker? Could you afford it in your current life situation? What would it give you that you don't have now? If the answer involves other people, are those the kinds of people that you would want in your life anyway?

     Do you think of some people as cool while others are not? On what basis is that, and do the uncool people have things that they like that the cool people don't fall in line with? So, that then makes the cool people not cool to the original not cool group. It's best to be in with your in crowd than anyone else's.

     Most lone people have pets. How can some people be loving and caring to animals, but not people? It takes familiarity, just like with the pet. To get to know another's behavior and wants and needs and to respond to them in the best way that you can.

     To get that house on the hill, would be nice, but wouldn't we be more fulfilled and happy with a life full of loving, caring people surrounding us as we join in the circle that surrounds them?

     To have our own jet, boat, limo., etc. would be convenient, but what if we didn't have anyone to share them with? Wouldn't that luster wear off fairly quickly?

      Are you always trying to steal someone else's significant other? Isn't that just a cheap thrill for awhile? Wouldn't it be better to find someone who loves you completely and just isn't looking for a trade-up?

     Women, are shiny things really what you want from your men, or would you rather have the shining acts of caring, consideration, loving attention, and affection that your soul craves?

     Our world is full of "others". Anyone who wants to separate themselves fully from them is just trying to save themself from some pain that haunts them, or they are just so delusional about their own superiority, that they are tortured by the rest of us.

     Perspective is the important thing. If you are looking at others and at life from a dark place, you will see darkness. If you isolate yourself, you will be lonely. If you punish others, you will be punished yourself, and are punishing yourself. If you look at others with no judgements, no preconcieved notions for them, no expectations just see them as they are, then you can get to know them and open yourself up for them to know you. That is how we make our mark on the world. I have heard the saying that the one with the most toys wins in the end, but I put to you that the one with the most joys wins in the end. You can't take it with you, but love lives on. Think about it.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
gtown.healinghouse@gmail.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

The Goals of Not Playing Well With Others.

2009-04-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

Have you played today? Have you felt any loving joy today? Have you felt loved and given attention today? Have you learned anything new today? These are the earliest experiences that our soul craves.

Have you had any alone time today? Have you ever noticed how children will go off to a corner or room to play alone and rehearse ideas? That's important to us, too. This is something that we need for all of our life.

How do others see you? Do you only feel like a fit when you are helpless and others have to do for you, or show you everything? Do you feel like you just can't do anything right? Have you just given up? Do you run your own life, or does everyone else around you, run it for you? Have you just watched someone today to see the way that they do things? We all have role-models or people that we want to emulate in our daily walk. If we follow others around blindly, then we will never find out who we are. Do you sit out when others are having fun, because you don't feel like you fit in? Has that been an ongoing situation in your life? When you know for sure who you are, what you want and what you like and dislike, then you can view a situation and say, "I like this, I think I'll join in", or "I don't think that this is for me", and then just walk away. Knowing who you are helps you to feel more secure around others. You can take them in to your life, or leave them to theirs. You will find that for the most part, relationships with others are transient. They come into our lives, the relationship waxes and wanes, and sometimes they leave our lives. If you can accept this, then you feel less insecure around or betrayed by people.

How do you measure up along side your peers? Do you keep to yourself and do your own thing and not care what others think of you? Do you only feel good by hurting others? Do you think that by not loving anyone that you can not get hurt? This is just plain old emotional revenge on who ever it was that hurt you. You feel the need to retaliate or get even with everyone. This can escalate to violence if left unchecked. This is a very juvenile attitude. We shouldn't overcare, but "lone-wolf" types are usually only lone-wolves because they're licking their inner wounds. Try trusting someone for a change. If that relationship doesn't work out, move on. Their are millions of fish in the sea, and one of them will be the one for you. You can find good friends in unlikely places. I love you enough to write this for you, and I don't even know you, so love is out there, you just have to keep your eyes and heart, open to it.

Are you a drama queen or king? Do you feel like you only belong when you are being noticed? Are you everything to everyone and then complain about how put upon you are? Are your conversations laced with flights of fancy and then later on you're chastising yourself for stretching the truth a little too far? This starts out in early childhood as an attention-getting device. It's a two-edged sword because if it works to get you attention, then you'll keep doing it. Also, if it doesn't work to get you attention, then you'll probably amp up the drama until people have no choice BUT to pay attention, then they will resent that you need THAT much attention. Heard the term "high-maintainence"? If you increasingly escalate the drama in your life, eventually even the most caring of your friends or family is going to say "enough is enough!" and leave you to be the only participant in your own soap opera. They will just be annoyed by further attempts at reminding them of how bad you have it, and by the attempts at coaxing them to get involved.

Do you associate with everyone who greets you, or just "your kind"? Or do you start relationships on a really high note, only to feel as if they have fizzled out when you lose interest in the person and are ready to move on to the next new and exciting person? If we continue to do this, word will get out, and pretty soon no new people will give us a chance.

Do you cooperate with others around you? Or do you have to be in control or the boss, or proving that no one can boss you around? Do you have to feel that you have power? Can you be nice to your coworkers, neighbors, people you regularly meet out in the world? Or do you put your head down and pretend that you are way too busy to be bothered to talk to them. Eventually they will assume that you are way too busy, and just give up. We need to have interaction with others to have experiences that are a reflection to us of who we are, or aren't. If we can be who we are with others around, then we are secure and therefore more confident that we are on the right track. We all know those people who fit in their skin so well that we so wish we could feel that way. Well , the only way to do it is to practice being that way. Others will only get angry with provocations that you are the ultimate authority and all should realize and admit this or pay the price. If you would rather fight than admit that you are wrong, then that's a problem. If you ask for input and cooperation, you'll get it. Be careful, you may run into other "bosses" who want to control you, and the fur will fly!

If we are jerks or just ignore others, we think that this will protect us from them. This is a faulty belief. Our goal is to protect ourself, but what we really do is just isolate ourself.

So, tomorrow, go out into the world with open arms, head and heart and fully experience your own reality. See if you can grow it, or if you need to fine tune some things. If you're one of the lucky few, then your day will be perfectly right for you, and you won't notice anything that you could improve upon or remove.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
gtown.healinghouse@gmail.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Your Home Reality

2009-04-03T13:03:00.001-07:00

So, we know that the environment that we start out in greatly effects how we start out in life. If our parents watched alot of t.v., then we might too. If they sat in front of it all through the afternoon and evening, then we may be tempted to, too. If they looked through the guides and picked out what they liked, then we probably do that too.

I knew a mother and son who said that they couldn't live without their t.v.! How sad! That t.v. came on at 4:00 in the afternoon and stayed on until 11:30 on weeknights, and as late as they stayed up on weekends.

I much prefer reality. My grandparents had hobbies. Alot of people do. They add purpose and joy to our lives. I loved going outside to play as a kid. I would pace back and forth like a "caged animal" (my parents words), so that I could run out into the sunshine and feel it on my skin and the breeze in my hair. Smelling the flowers, trees and unfortunately, exhaust from the cars and sometimes blacktop being put down. I loved being outdoors.

My children have always been encouraged to do anything that calls to them. My eldest is on his way to college to be a zoologist, he volunteers at our zoo in the summers. My middle child is a local soccer star and is actively "head-hunted" by coaches. He lives and breathes soccer. My little one is a movie buff, and has thoughts of being a writer and movie producer, but he's only nine, so that's subject to change probably. But I've always told them that they could try anything that they wanted to, to see if it was something for them. They've found some things that weren't, but that's how you learn what is.

We have a swingset out back and sports equipment stacked up, as well as dancing and board and video games galore. They usually self-regulate back and forth between in and outdoor activities. They oldest is getting a little more sedantary with age, as we all do, and usually it takes the middle one to challenge him to a game of basketball or football to get him outside. They all have library cards and the youngest one especially regularly checks out the max. number of books. Their father's mother takes them to the public library in the summer, while the bookmobile comes during school. They go to museums and parks all through the year. They've ridden on a bus and have been on a train. We have drums, a keyboard, a guitar, and a ukalele as well as a couple of recorders. Their father allows them to pick up magazines when he takes them shopping for the week, we've had trouble with subscriptions. I satellite school the boys for at least a half hour a day, because the schools just can't squeeze in the stuff that I seemed to have learned when I went. I leave my magazines and books out so that they can check them out if they want to. My oldest usually does. They are all learning computer literacy, which is fairly necessary nowadays, and often type reports, do research and just surf the net; things that I had to go to the school library to do when I was their age.

I fully expect that all of my children will go as far as they want to. We talk about society and political issues. They go to special functions through school, church and their clubs and volunteer groups and have awards hanging on our living room wall and in folders on the bookcase. I have done my best to break down cultural and racial prejudices that linger in our area. Sometimes we'll just sit for an hour and have a surprisingly intellectual conversation. We listen to each other's music, poetry and ideas for movies, etc.

I did take childcare and child education classes before each of them were born because #1 it took money off of my hospital bill, and #2 because I wanted to know the latest on how to "do it right". I knew that the way that I grew up was not the way that I wanted my sons to grow up. I wanted them to grow up in an open, loving, accepting, positive and compassionate environment; the kind that I wished that I had grown up in and the kind that the experts agree is the kind with the best outcomes.

If you didn't get the environment that you would have liked to have grown up in don't despair. You can give yourself that environment now, like I've done for myself and my sons. You can go back and look at your inner child and decide what made them feel good. What things that they were drawn to. What things that they got praise for. Then bring those things back into your life to nuture your own inner child and bring them up the way that you want to. It's never too late. You can be who you want to be. You just have to love yourself enough to give yourself the respect and compassion that you need to feel complete and fulfilled with your own reality.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
gtown.healinghouse@gmail.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

Be Careful What You Say!

2009-03-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

One of the first things that babies want to do, is talk! They babble and coo and try to reproduce every sound that they hear!

As we age, we usually try to improve our vocabulary and use bigger and more descriptive words. We may think that using more words makes us appear smarter. We may think that talking about everything that we know about a conversational topic makes us the expert in the room, office, etc.

Well, that's not necessarily the case! I read a study that said some highly intelligent people, the highest of the "genius'", often revert back to "telegraphic speech", which is what toddlers use. They will use as few words as possible to get their meaning accross. They called it "intelespeak" as opposed to "intellispeak" where people use the biggest of words to get their thoughts out. I thought that that was interesting. The author's supposition was that when you got to be THAT intelligent, you realized that all of those words weren't necessary to get your meaning across. It made me think of the proverb about before you speak, examine your speech, ie: is it true, is it necessary and does it improve upon the silence.

Maybe we need to think about our listener, instead of what we want to get out of our head, or off of our chests! By using simpler sentences, you do get your meaning across faster. If you stay on current topics that are being discussed in the here and now, you seem more present in the moment to your listener. By telling someone that you enjoyed talking to them, and asking them when could you get together and do it again, you can make friends.

Conversation is an investment of time. Have you listened and heard today? Was all that you said true, necessary and an improvement on the silence? Did you include your listener, or did you try to dominate the conversation with things that YOU wanted to talk about. Were there commands rather than requests doled out unnecessarily? Did you rattle off tasks or expectations at lightening speed and REALLY expect them to be remembered and carried out? Have you asked permission recently? May I see that? May I join in? Are you a conjunction junky? I would like to do that, BUT... or I thought that he'd do this AND...well you know. Are you a demander! Do you always have to have the how and why of everything that others say? Are you the poet who really knows it, and lets everyone else know it too? Do you question everyone's reasons for every thing that they say? Are you a "like" er? You actually can't "like" do something. Are you a but-inner? That shows disrespect for your listener. Were you so busy thinking about what you were going to say next that you just now realize that the other person just asked you a question, that you can't answer, because you don't know what it was?!

The only reason we should ever DEMAND something from someone else, is if we are protecting ourselves or someone else. You are not OMNIPOTENT, and therefore have no right to demand anything from anyone else. They have the same rights as you do.

Do you finish your thoughts so that others can make sense of them, or are you so shy or insecure that you stop in midsentence like Hooks on Police Academy?

Do you want to be heard? Do you try to increase your vocabulary so that you will know what other people are talking about? Do you try to find out how things work so that you can be "in the know". Are you a cliche' machine so that others look at each other and roll their eyes? Can you talk about your feelings, or other people's feelings? Can you prioritize things in a conversation, or is it all a blurt festival? If you need to write, how's your spelling? As a writer, I still make mistakes, and have to consult the dictionary upon occasion. ;) Can you get your meaning across clearly, or do you have to try several times to say what you want to?

Speaking to others is sometimes hard for some of us. We have to get those most private thoughts from our heart and head, out into the open where they can be heard. Some of us should try to filter a little more and think about the oath, "...do no harm", with what we say.

It's not always how you say something, although that is important, but what you say that matters. If you want to create a positive, loving compassionate reality for yourself, does your speech reflect that? Be careful and mindful of your speech so that you can create the conversations that you want, but be present and listen for the others involved.

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
gtown.healinghouse.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com

You'll Be Real When You're Ready

2009-03-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

Remember all of the adventures that Pinnochio had? How he had to go through his tasks to become "a real boy"?

Any of you who are parents know that potty-training is not going to happen until the child is ready.

How many times have you just known that you were ready for something, only to realize that you weren't, you just thought that you were? That's a big disappointment isn't it? To take that leap of faith, then fall flat on your face is, well, humiliating. Others may laugh at us, or harass us for having faith enough in ourselves to try and do something great that would make us happy. Then we fail, and the scoffers say, "I told you so!" and laugh at us.

Well, you know what? They're wrong. There are no such things as failures. The only failure is if you don't try. Experiences are what makes up a life. If you limit your experiences, then you don't have much of a life. Trying things is the only way that you learn and grow. If you "failed" at something, then you should think about it this way, maybe that thing just isn't for you; maybe you just need more practice; more advertisement; more knowledge of the thing in order to succeed at it.

That will be your decision. Do you believe that that something is for you? Can you be happy and truly live your vision of your life without it? If not, then you'll have to "get back up on the horse", and try again. Failure is how we learn. It does not define you as a person. Miserable people will try to label you with it, so that you feel as miserable as they do, and they feel better about themselves for a moment. Don't let them feed their spiritual and emotional garbage to you; don't swallow it! If you try, do your best and still fail, well, then you know that you gave it your best, which is better than what the naysayers who didn't even try can say.

From the beginning of our memory the positive or negative reinforcement that we get shapes our opinion of ourselves as "winners", "average" or "losers". Really, you are what you decide to be. Very few people in life have a "perfect" life where everything just falls into their lap. The rest of us have to work and go after what we want. If you give up and don't try, well, then you will be a loser. Not because you ARE a loser, but because you've lost your passion for your own life. You'll be stuck where you are, not pass go, not collect $200.00, in other words, you'll never live the life that you want if you just roll over and give up, resigning your life to fate.

There are things in life that we just can't control. Don't punish yourself, or others because circumstances were beyond your control. You may just have to back up, clean up the mess for yourself, and move on.

We all run our race at our own pace. No matter what your age, it's never to late to decide to be who you really are. It will happen when you are ready. When all of the things that need to bring about your change to your own best advocate and friend have come about. You may be 20 or you may be 60. It doesn't matter. When you are ready to love yourself and show yourself compassion, the world will open up for you like a blooming lotus.

No matter what age or stage you are at, you'll be real when you're ready. You just have to make that decision to create the reality that you want, and then do it.

Good luck, I wish you all of your dreams come true!

Until next blog!

Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
gtown.healinghouse@gmail.com