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My son is not doing well in college. This is surprising, since he was in advanced classes in high school. He told me the reason for his bad grades. He was just being lazy. He says that he'll do better next semester, and I hope that he does. If he doesn't pull the grades up next semester, he'll be on academic probation.
His school is known to be a "party-school", and there are alot of students who are very free with their time and money. The more serious students hang out in the activities building, where my son usually hangs out. The really studious ones pretty much stay in their dorms or in the libraries.
My son's chosen field requires extensive biology, which are the classes that he didn't pass. He is a natural counselor and friends are coming to him all of the time for advice. (Gets it from his mom.) I suggested to him that maybe he should change majors into counseling since he has a natural talent for it. You would have thought that I suggested that he cut off his left arm! The defensiveness, the trash-talking, wow! I had JUST made a suggestion, not a criticism or insult, but that's not how he took it. I just want him to be successful, and if his goal is out of his reach, I want him to have a fall-back. All parents who've gone to the college years know this feeling, right?
My son volunteers at our zoo every summer. He's cleaned up at parks and is a generally sweet, good guy.
He does undervalue money. The only job that he's ever had are working concession with me at soccer and baseball. He's 18 and still hasn't had a job. I can't afford to send him to college, nor can his father, so he's gone on grants and vocational rehab. assistance, which he's now lost due to his grades. He admits that he didn't try very hard to get a job the first semester that he was having alot of fun hanging out in the evening. He's told me now with a loan behind him that he didn't earn two ! credits for, that he'll look a little harder for a job.
Most of all, he wants me to mind my own business. That's not going to happen. Sorry, but I'm not like some parents I know who write their kids off at age 18 and then they're "on your own". He doesn't drive, so he asked me to take him to get his state I.D. while he was home, which I did. He asked me to buy him some items and food for when he went back, which I did. So, I don't feel that until he's 100% independant, that I shouldn't be involved, and even then, I will be. I won't be a bossy, critiquing mom like some I've met, but I felt this child in my womb, fed him from my body, been splattered by baby food, had formula thrown up down my back, cleaned diapers that the good Lord only knows how that much stuff, with such a bad smell came out of such a little person. I've been his advocate with teachers who didn't understand his disabilities, and some who just didn't care. I've done everything possible to make sure he got to play t-ball, baseball, soccer, do boy scouts, and yes, don't laugh, I was a den mother! I went to all of his plays, concerts, presentations, possible and got him signed up with Voc. Rehab. so that future professors and employers know about his disabilities, and won't discriminate against him for them. Then there was the above mentioned stuff while he was home on Winter break. So, I feel that mother bear stuff rise up when he's having problems that I don't feel like he's taking seriously enough, or giving too much weight to problems, usually other people's, that are concerning him.
So, I was giving him a lecture when I heard my father's voice coming from my mouth. So, I stopped. I thought all through the store about how he must be feeling, and how I was feeling, and what if anything more I should say to him.
I remembered in my child psychology and development workshop, one of the key points to problem solving was to ask the teen-ager if you could give them your opinion. Funny how that strange little act! of aski ng their permission opens up the dialogue between almost adult child and parent. It's like you've respected them, so they respect you by letting you give them some insight. So, when we got back in the car, that's what I did. He granted me permission to give my opinion, and I told him all that I felt about his situation, giving him my experiences and those of others' for anecdotal evidence.
Now, we all know that we all have to make our own mistakes to learn from them, and he says that he has. I hope that that's true. I really want him to have a good, firm philosophy of life. In high school, he was so self-assured and a leader not a follower and always did what he should, as far as I know. I know that transitions are hard. Hopefully, he has learned all of the lessons that he says he has this first semester, and he has friends and student support services to help him out, so hopefully he won't feel the need to keep any problems to himself now.
I know that at this age, it's important for him to discover the man that he is on his own. I just have to resist the urge to shine a little light on the situations that he's still in the dark on, without his permission. I've always known, if I respect my sons, they respect me. It's that simple. The Golden Rule, rules.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
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