As a parent of three children myself, I can tell you that I was very concerned about my boys starting school! I understand it's the foundation for the rest of their education and then their career choice, but I was handing my babies over to some stranger for 6 hours a day! I of course may have had a little more anxiety and stress about this than the average person, but my fears were very real to me, and I had to do my best to assure my little darlings that it would all be o.k. and maybe even fun!
I remember being so excited about starting school! I couldn't wait to learn and grow up and move away on my own. My oldest son was not so excited. Honestly I think that he was in shock! He was shy and knew that he was different than some of the other kids and just plain scared. He got teased alot in elementary unfortunately for having ADD and physical disabilities that he had to have special seating and assistive technology for. This carried over into stress at home and sometimes taking that out on his little brother. School was a definate challenge for him. Now, he's in AP college classes and on his way to living his dream. I did my best to guide him and explain to him about miserable kids wanting to make him miserable, etc. He had a few good teachers who helped steer him back in the right direction when he started to stray into negative behaviors. Eventually, he became aware that his disabilities were not a label for who he is. He is a unique individual with his own style, he would have fit right in, in the 1970's; and he is in the situation that he wants to be in. He has found his strengths and is aware of where his weaknesses lie and tries to pay attention to them and keep up. If he gets into trouble he assesses the problem and decides where to go from there. He is not so shy anymore and has no problem talking to his peers and older adults in positions of authority.
How did this shy boy bloom so well? He was so slow to warm up to school and socializing. He grew with age, like the rest of us. He was always more apt to stay in and play video games rather than go out and play with friends. He was always a little cautious and mistrusting of others until he was about 13. Now he is conscientious and always careful to think of others. My second son has Asperger's and serious anxiety problems. He can not handle any unexpected situation. The emotional overload pours out like a tidal wave. We were handed a gloom and doom prognosis for him, but now he is one of the most popular guys in his school! He has worked hard to be emotionally there for others. I was shy because I was just plain old beaten down. I thought that I was as stupid, useless and worthless as I had been told and if I talked too much people would figure that out. I was told as much before family events, to not talk too much and say anything "weird". So, I chose to try and have my children enhance their abilities. To channel their talents and likes, and not worry so much about their percieved weaknesses. I have been told by others that they are very sensitive and caring young men.
How did I raise fruitful sons with my childhood such a minefield, and with an ex-husband whose mentall illness escalated to abuse towards us? #1. I was gentle. I tried to understand their point of view. I never forced them to do anything. I offered them insights and advice, and ultimately left social decisions to them.
#2. I had a schedule for them, and planned family activities that we took turns picking. I would let friends come over, and let them go to friends' houses to play. I gave their friends' the benefit of respect, until and unless they showed that they didn't deserve it. My youngest son had a friend whose mother was caught doing drugs so, he was no longer allowed to go over to that house! He also had friends who destroyed my stepping stones leading to my office, so they were no longer allowed in my back yard. My oldest had a friend who threw a rock at our window, so he was no longer allowed in my yard. My middle one just got caught sneaking friends in while I was out, so he will have to travel with me, or go to grandma's until he earns some trust back. They go to parks and school events and have no problems socializing now! I have a calendar for their events! We have a family vacation every year, that includes their father. They understanding is that even though we do not all live together, we are still a family. #3. I have always played with my kids! We had play time where I'd get down on the floor and role play things that I wanted to model for them. We joined boy scouts, YMCA swimming, t-ball, and soccer clubs. There was vacation Bible school and various events we took them to just for kids. I talked to them about their problems when they asked me. I answered their questions. We practiced "what would you do if's?" alot. The stores were a place to learn about economics for them and why they couldn't have everything that they wanted. We fed alot of neighborhood kids their afternoon snacks! #4. I always kept in communication with their schools. I helped them learn about my children and we always came up with ways to solve problems. I wrote several notes about maybe they should be moved away from so-and-so.
With an oldest one with impulsivity issues, a youngest with the energy of the sun, and my middle one as excitable as a chihuahua, I have never been not busy! I was prodded by some of the older teachers to medicate my oldest child. I understood why they wanted this, but I gave him every chance to do his best without medication until his impulses turned violent, then did medicate him under a psychiatrist's care and he was weaned from the medicine by high school. Their early years at school were as turbulent as the rest of ours. Once we learn the structure and rules, it gets easier. We have to learn to be patient, and how to share.
We can help our children. We can find outlets for them if they have frustrations. We can help them be enthused with their talents. We can find them places to expend all of that energy that we wish we had! We can set a specific homework time and make ourselves available to them if they need help. We can have game nights and activities that give them one on one attention. We can let them blow off steam, as long as they don't hurt anyone else. We can keep in touch with their teachers to know what's going on in the classroom. We can stress the importance of staying in control of one's self. We can help them stay active with tasks. We can teach them responsibility with chores, errands etc. We can allow them to volunteer their help even if it's not how we would do something. We can check their papers for mistakes. We can support them in the activities that they love.
I thought that I was ready for school, because I could sing my alphabet thanks to the record I played again and again. I was not ready for the emotional battering my open wounds took. I didn't participate in much for fear of being hurt more by cruel judgements and words. I was nine before I even had the courage to make a real friend. I was in seventh grade before I even went to a slumber party! Old compared to most of my peers. I lagged behind my peers in most things, which was good in some cases, but not in most. If you were abused in school, and I would be amazed if you weren't in some way, realize that that was then, and most kids either are mean because they feel bad about themselves, or they are trying to look cool for someone else or they have been bullied, so are bullying you. If we step back and look at these incidents in our past, we can let them go on the wind. They may have made a lasting impression on our psyche, but they are in the past, and therefore gone from existance. If we keep them alive in our minds, we just feed them more spiritual garbage and they grow in importance to only us. Do we let others define us, our do we define ourselves? Whose reality is it anyway? I've claimed mine, and suggest that if you have been holding on to such old garbage rhetoric from schoolmates, that you put that burden down, let it blow away like the dust that it is, and claim your reality for yourself.
Love, Angelia
