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Sometimes we feel discouraged when others bicker with us or resist our suggestions to them. How can we get others to cooperate with us and how can we resolve conflict?
If we want people to stop fighting with us, we must teach them the skills for dealing with us. That's right, read it again if you want, but that's what it says. If people are having problems with us, it's usually a two-way street. You can ask them why they are having this reaction to you, but that doesn't always mean that you'll get a truthful answer, or one at all. Asking them why they feel so strongly that you are wrong, or why they seem to dislike you, opens up the lines of communication so that differences can be worked out. Others don't know your life story so they may have a different take on your personality than what the/your reality is. If the other person is willing, you can work out where the percieved issue lies and iron out the wrinkles in their feelings about you. If the other person just thinks that you are wrong and they are right, you may not be able to get anywhere with them. Some people are just determined to get what they want come heck or high water. It is more socially acceptable and enlightened to try and figure out why you have a problem with so-and-so, and then for the two of you to talk and try to iron it out. Granted, sometimes people are just so different, that they will never see eye to eye. You may have to just walk away sometimes. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and feelings. We should be accountable for our actions, though. Hurting someone else physically, mentally or emotionally is never o.k.
When we practice talking our differences over with others we will be able to think of more ways that we can compromise or get what we want in an acceptable manner. If we use our intellect to work on social problems we will expand it and become more socially adept at handling disagreements with others.
Think of these problem solving skills when disagreements arise:
*Get the facts straight first, then work on the feelings
Ask the other person why they think that there's a problem; ask calmly and nonjudgementally, people will usually calm down and answer you.
Then focus on the feelings. People see things from their own perspective. They may not realize how their actions are effecting others. Reflect to them your feelings such as, "How would you feel if I said/did that to you?" Try to find a solution that is fair to everyone involved. You should make your feelings known if others hurt them, not just sit on them and let them fester into a bigger problem.
*Help others see that your shared goal, ie., relationship, workplace, project, is the important thing that you share.
When you outline what your shared goal is, it's easier to work on solutions seeing that you are both in the same boat. Help bring problems down to size by discussing what both of you would like to accomplish in this shared goal. It's a big world, with room for everyone and some people just have to realize that everyone doesn't share their opinions and they need to make room for others'. Everyone's needs, feelings and opinions are important. That's how we grow and learn.
*Come up with alternatives to an impass.
Stay focused on what the underlying problem is and how it could best be solved. Make an outline or list that could help. Discuss it until you can come up with no other ideas. Do not force your ideas onto others, their's have merit, too. If you can both get this far, discuss your mentors/heroes, and how you think that they would handle this situation.
*Evaluate the consequences of action and/or inaction.
After you have brainstormed, think of what the consequences to your actions may be. Inaction on a sore point in a relationship may lead to the end of that relationship. Continued harmful actions in the workplace may lead to one or both of you losing your job. Persecution of another to make yourself feel better may make that person walk away from a project where they really were the best person for the job. Always take other's feelings into consideration before you speak. I'm reminded of the addage: before you speak, ask yourself, is it true? Is it necessary? Does it improve upon the silence? Do not judge other's ideas. People have their own thinking processes which may not always match your own. You can however, tell another person why, to you, their suggestion is unacceptable. They may have not been able to see your point of view, from their's.
*Ask for a closed decision.
The disagreers should come up with a plan of resolution. Agree on and restate the underlying problem. Summarize your ideas on how to resolve it. Decide on what to do next. If it doesn't work out, go back to the drawing board.
Problem-solving is often tedious work. It's easier to just put your foot down and tell others what to do, especially if you're in a "boss" type position. However, that just limits everyone's experience, the possible group gains from a project, or a feeling that everyone is contributing of themselves for the common goal. We can do it if we cool down and show a little love and compassion for our fellow passengers in our life boat.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
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