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Your parents may have had big plans for you. Did you let them down? How did they respond to your failure? All children need rules and expectations laid out, so that they know what behavior is expected of them. Did you know "the rules" up front, or did you learn them fast enough because punishment came swiftly, maybe even severely, after the offending behavior? Was there consistancy, or were you unsure from day to day what was acceptable and what wasn't? Did your parents explain themselves to you at all or was the dreaded, "because I said so!" a staple in your caretakers' arsenal in controlling you?
I personally think that all parents should have to take parenting classes before the blessed event, because unfortunately, there is still way too much ignorance and abuse in child rearing in the world today. Discipline is teaching your child the way to go, not punishing them if they stray. Clearly defined rules let a child know what is and is not expected from them. It gives them a sense of right and wrong.
Broken rules carry consequences. As a child there was punishment. As an adult there could be jail time. We all need a firm foundation to build our own reality on. It's so much easier to get that from our parents than to go back and build it for ourselves. In society we are rewarded for "good" and responsible behaviors. We are punished for "bad" and irresponsible behaviors, and that is as it should be if we are to live in a civillization. If punishment is predictable and consistant, we learn that a certain type of behavior will elicit it, and how we can avoid the punishment if we aren't just vying for the attention. Unfortunately for the mainstream, the psychological and developmental facts are that praise is the most powerful reinforcer of learning, not punishment.
We learn from our experiences. Having logical consequences for "misbehavior" helps us learn that we are accountable for our actions, without damaging our self-esteem. The easiest way to stop an argument is to just walk away. Refuse to participate. If you actually KNOW something, and someone wants to argue, just walk away. What sense is there in arguing, if you know that you are right? If you make a mess of your life, you'll have to clean it up. No one else can do it for you. Counselors etc., can help, but ultimately, it's up to you to learn what's not working for you, or is doing you harm, and clean up your own life. If you party all night, then can't function the next day, isn't that going to hurt your chances of being taken seriously as a responsible person who can be trusted? I don't mean that you should punish yourself by taking away something that you enjoy, but moderation is the key in all of life. If you really love doing something, set aside a time for that special something and do it! Enjoying life is what we all strive for, and self-denial is the fastest way to start to abhor your life. Set a time for leisure activities and for friends.
Everyone's level of tolerance for negative feedback is different. If you got a sense of purpose and pride from the military, you may have been "broken down" when you came in to basic training, only to be "built up" later on to function as a valuable member of a unit. You may therefore, have a high tolerance for negative feedback. Not everyone is as resiliant, and people need to be aware of this. I have heard of the "poet's soul" where someone can't stand ANY negative feedback, and it just destroys their sense of self esteem. Those rebels without a cause that we women like to try and "fix", but we really can't. Only they can do that for themselves. If we are to be effective in our own lives, we need to be as well-adjusted as we possibly can be. If you need help with that, go get it! We need to be self-reliant. We all know of "bums" who rely on handouts from others to get by. Taking care of ourselves gives us self esteem and a sense of purpose other than aimless wandering through life. We need to exercise self-control. If we go off in a rage every time someone disagrees with us, soon no one will want to talk to you. We need to actively learn about who we are and who we want to be. If you were punished unfairly growing up, you may be punishing yourself now. Stop! If you have been running for the longest time to escape someone's control, stop. Look around. Do you need to still be running, or can you safely stop now and build your own life? The one that you picked out for yourself when you were growing up. The one you know that was meant for you, and that will make you happy because you will be who you are meant to be, and not a paper doll that someone else wanted to dress a certain way. If no one cared what you did, then maybe you need to start caring what you do to yourself. All of our needs are important. If you are punishing yourself for being a "failure", whose failure is it? Did you fail your parents because you can't be who they want you to be, or are you failing yourself because you won't be who you want to be? If you could raise your own inner child, more than likely, you would set clear rules and explain why these rules are important. You would reason with them and consider their point of view. You don't have to agree with the way that you were raised, but you can go back and "raise" yourself, up out of the canyon that you may feel that you have been shoved into, and love yourself enough to bring yourself up at, no matter what ripe old age you are, and give yourself the "upbringing" that you deserved. You can visualize this in a meditation. You can heal your inner wounds and get up and start living the life that you want and claim what is yours in the world.
Honestly, it really doesn't matter who "they" wanted you to be. It's who you are that matters.
Until next blog!
Love, Angelia
amsc363@cs.com
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www.worksofheart.bravehost.com
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