Exclusive: Google to Ban Bald Men?

In a move to tackle the common problem of mistyped search queries, Google’s latest algorithm change is set to target bald men a secret source revealed today. Code named Rabbit, the update will apparently be able to effectively detect whether or not a bald person is searching the web and then automatically adjust the search results (SERPS) accordingly.

The basic idea is that, according to research, bald men are collectively responsible for a high incidence of failed search queries. When the data was analysed, it was apparently startling to see that 80% of bald men regularly mistype their search queries for example. This causes unnecessary searches to be performed together with the consumption of excessive bandwidth.

With the proliferation of webcams now offering the possibility that bald men could be easily detected by the search engine, Google may be considering a number of options to tackle the problem. Search queries originated by bald men could apparently be automatically fed through a language filter that corrects common misspellings before the query is submitted. Such a possibility could effectively help to mitigate the bandwidth issue.

More controversially, the question of actually banning bald men from access to Google’s search results is apparently another possibility. The technology is now in place to be able to detect bald men and simply return an error page every time they type a misspelled search query much like the 404 error page is returned when a web page is not found. The advantage of this approach is again a reduction in bandwidth.

Here is an artist’s impression of how the new Query Not Found page for Bald Men might look:
However, the advance of technology brings with it some serious questions that also need to be answered. What some people are concerned about is the possible targeting of bald men via Adsense. If it can be ascertained that a bald man is typing a search query, it could be that he will begin to see many more ads for hair restoration products for example.

In an attempt to get a definitive answer to this question, we attempted to contact Google spokesman Matt Cutts. Having learned, from our undisclosed source, that he has apparently been spending some time in Google’s German office lately, we attempted to make contact only to learn that Herr Cutts was not available.

Marketing guru, Seth Godin, who has been closely linked with Google in the past, could possibly be axed by the search engine giant because of his famous bald head and other leading bloggers, such as Darren Rowse of Problogger could also be adversely affected.

We will bring you more news on this story as and when it arrives.

2 thoughts on “Exclusive: Google to Ban Bald Men?

  1. Will Edwards Post author

    Hi Alex

    Glad you liked it. I will need to get my thinking cap on before next year, but thanks for the suggestion.

    Will 🙂

  2. Alex

    Cute. Serves ’em right if you ask me!!

    maybe next year you can spoof those of us with beards! 🙂

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